Breathing Room
by Fresh C
Summary: For all its good and bad points, Instrumentality is a very crowded place. Shinji has rejected that reality for that very reason. You'd think being one of two people on Earth would give you lots of room to breathe. You'd think wrong.
1. Breathing Room

**A/N:** This is my first time writing Evangelion Fan fiction, and to be completely honest, I haven't even seen End of Evangelion, which this fic is based off of. I think I have most of the facts right though, but just know that there might be errors. Also Shinji's narration is decidedly OOC, but his actions are not. Who knows what lurks in that mind.

I wrote this almost as a response to all these stories that have Asuka and Shinji living the dream life after Instrumentality. It seems to me that even though these stories often have conflict, they make being the only people on Earth seem too easy. If I did my job right then this story is not one of them. Criticism of any kind is greatly appreciated. Enjoy.

**Breathing Room**

In instrumentality the separate minds of humans became one. I could feel the thoughts, desires, and fears of a world worth of people and likewise they could feel me. The deepest pains in existence were revealed to me along with the greatest pleasures. I could feel the greatest loves of all and know the greatest sorrows. The experience left me with a deep empathic feeling towards all mankind of a magnitude of which I could never properly express. And still… I have no idea how to deal with Asuka Langley Soryu.

I woke up on the beach after instrumentality and there she was. After all the god-like fusion of minds and such, I was finally looking at something real. Something I could feel and touch, react to and be reacted on in exchange. Faced with this wonderful opportunity, I sort of freaked a bit. After I explain I'm sure you'll understand.

I just choked her a little… not a lot, but a little. It's not like I brutally impaled her while she was outnumbered in a battle of life or death inside of a gigantic machine of mass destruction that was inhabited by the spirit of her mother. I'd never do that. I just choked her a bit. Nothing big, right? But after we both calmed down and recovered from the "accident" she had to go and take it personally. She always takes things so personally.

"Shinji, you idiot!" she yelled at me out of nowhere. We hadn't been talking for quite some time. It might have been three hours since she spoke last, pronouncing that she was sick. Still I kept my silence and waited for her to explain why I was an idiot. There were so many possible reasons that it made it impossible for me to mount a proper defense without knowing which one.

"How could you try to kill me like that? I could have died! And then where would you be? You're such a fool! I don't know why I'm even here with you!" I decided once again that silence was the best option. At least it would be until she asked me a direct question that I couldn't avoid.

"But I _do_ know why I'm here!" she spat bitterly. "It's because you wanted me here. You're such a spineless coward that you can't even take care of yourself. But guess what, Shinji? You're going to have to anyways because I refuse to look after a fool like you!"

After those kind words, her anger seemed to dissipate. Gone was the reproachful scowl and flash of sharp, white teeth. They were replaced by a pensive look that indicated deep thought. Soon that look was gone too and was replaced by a sick smile that I'd seen far too often in our "previous life" together. This one meant trouble and it was directed straight at me.

"But you know what Third? I'm here now and I'm your responsibility. You brought us to this… this wasteland and now you've got to be a man and do your duty."

This was not what I was expecting. I was so shocked that I broke my vow of silence. I realize now that I could never be a monk… if monks ever exist again.

"My d-duty?" I asked in what had to be one of the wimpiest voices I'd ever heard. And trust me I've heard lots; I was in instrumentality after all.

"You have to take care of me Shinji. You're the man and I'm the woman. The only ones of our kind left. It's up to us to set an example for the future society that will come to be. If you can't take care of us now, then us being here will have been for nothing. The future depends on you." I stared back into her disturbingly sadistic smile and a light bulb went off in my head. Only this light bulb must have been twenty times too bright, because my realization was causing me blinding pain.

As far as either of us knew, we were the last people on earth. Asuka and I made up the whole of humanity. There was no one for me to interact with but her and there was no one for her to interact with but me, at least until society rebuilt itself. But that wouldn't even begin to happen unless we… interacted with each other. And think of what would happen to our children! In order for man to survive they'd have to… interact with each other too. And that would be… incest.

Just the thought made me sick to the stomach and it showed on my face. Although I doubt she understood my exact thought process at the time, Asuka seemed to notice this and it caused her cruel smile to widen. The more her smile widened, the sicker I felt. The sicker I felt, the more her smile widened. This went on for at least 5 minutes until Asuka once again broke the silence.

"Kind of makes you wish you had finished the job, doesn't it Third?"

She had no idea.

* * *

Asuka did not stop talking that whole day. She kept describing things that I knew were important, but just didn't have my heart into. Things like food, shelter, clothes, and government. She had a lot of ideas for the future of mankind and most of them seemed to go right over my head. When she realized how little I was paying attention she began to insult me again. 

"You're so pathetic Shinji. Why does the only man on Earth have to be the dumbest as well?" she said at one point or another. You really lose track after hearing so much of it.

"I'm also the smartest man on Earth," is what I would have said, but sadly I didn't think of this reply until well after the current assault on my self-esteem had ended. In fact, it took me so long to think of that one reply that I got yelled at once again for not paying attention to her while she was yelling at me. After she was done yelling at me for that second time, I found it harder to ignore her as somewhere down the line her yells had turned into commands. She had finally given up on explaining our future to me and moved on to give me work. She claimed that work was the only thing I understood.

I think she's right about that, for the most part. She set me to the task of creating a fishing rod. It wasn't too difficult either. I just found a large durable stick along the beach, used a pocketknife to make a small whole in it, and tore some thread from Asuka's plug suit to tie into the whole. Asuka wasn't too happy about that last part, but she had to agree that it was the most durable line that we had available. It took me about twenty minutes alone just to rip a thread long enough off of her suit without exposing the girl.

When I finished that task Asuka told me to set the line out into the ocean. I immediately had problems with that. Asuka didn't.

"But Asuka, there's… people out there."

"And there's fish too! And I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in forever. You only think about yourself Shinji! You're just so afraid of a little LCL that you'd rather starve to death, but I'm not going to let you because you're my future now and humanity needs you! If I didn't need your lazy behind, I'd eat you instead!" She said all of this with confidence but I could see her visibly pale at her last remark. It took her a second to collect her thoughts and then she went on with her tirade. "What did you think I had you make a fishing rod for anyways?"

I had no good response for any of this so I just took a seat in the sand and idly watched the line. Asuka sat down about a foot next to me. She fell asleep soon and about an hour later we caught our first fish. It was pretty small for two people to eat, but at that point in our lives every catch was a keeper. I woke Asuka up and she yelled at me for disturbing her. She would have kept yelling, but I told her the news about the fish. For the first time since I found her there, she seemed genuinely happy.

"Shinji, you finally did something right! I didn't even think there'd be any fish in there with all the contamination. I thought we were going to starve. But now we've got food!" She even went so far as to hug me quickly (and quite roughly as well).

"So where is it?"

I pointed to the fish, which I had set down on the ground. She smacked me in the back of the head.

"You caught that tiny thing? We can't both eat that small piece of crap! And you woke me up like you were all proud of it. If you're going to be the man around here you better do better than that! Throw that pathetic thing back in the ocean!"

"But Asuka," I pleaded. "It's still good for eating. Who knows when we'll catch another one?"

She consented to my logic, but decided that she would be the one to eat it and that I should just wait for the next one. I sighed, but nodded my agreement. There wasn't much else to say so I went back and threw out the line again. Dinner wouldn't catch itself.

When I turned back around I was met with a face full of Asuka. She was staring me down with a look of annoyance on her face. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

"Well?" she asked impatiently.

"Huh?" I asked confused.

"Weren't you even listening to me when I was talking to you?" Of course the answer to that question was no, as she very well knew. After all she had yelled at me for a solid 20 minutes for not doing that exact thing. But I just kept silent. I figured she'd be loud enough for the both of us. I was right.

"Start the fire, idiot!" she said pointing to a pile of sticks and flammable debris, "I'm not going to eat this fish raw!"

I was shocked, and not just because her face was so uncomfortably close to mine. It surprised me to find that she had actually done something to help me along. There was no way that I would have expected her to gather the kindling. I felt compelled to thank her.

"Thank you for gathering the wood." I called it wood then, but really there wasn't much wood in the pile at all. At these words Asuka stepped back a little and I could have sworn her face had softened.

"You better be grateful! I just got bored while you were building that rod so I figured I'd go and do something useful. Don't get used to it."

As I began to start the long tedious process of starting the fire, my mind wandered through the events of the day. I decided to take Asuka's advice to heart. I wouldn't get used to her being helpful.

Best advice I ever received.

* * *

Nighttime came and Asuka scared the crap out of me. 

After all the wining and complaining Asuka did about the fish, she didn't even end up eating it. She took one bite and spit the piece out of her mouth yelling, "it tastes like blood!" Then she threw the rest of the fish onto the beach and began to sulk. That's not what scared me though… I almost saw that one coming. What scared me happened after we were both asleep.

We had decided to lay by the fire that I had finally managed to start and retire for the night. I slept facing the ocean and Asuka slept about a foot away from me facing the fire.

I was just having a strange dream that seemed more like a memory. In the dream I was Rei Ayanami and I was talking to me. But I was confused about what I was saying to myself… I mean what I was saying to Rei. It felt weird because I (Rei) felt wrong when I was around myself (me). It felt as if I wasn't doing something that I needed to and I couldn't figure it out at all because I'd never done it or even seen it done before. But I (Shinji) affected me (Rei) in a way that no one else did. I felt a weird warmth in my stomach every time I looked at me, but I wanted to look at me some more. Yet every time I tried to explain it to myself my head started to hurt.

Then the dream started to seem different. The warmth that I felt in my stomach seemed to disappear oddly and was replaced by warmth in different places. It started on my arm and moved to my back and stayed there. It somehow seemed to reach my legs and chest. The weirdest part of it though was when the warmth hit my face. It seemed to hit it in waves of sort, like it was coming in and leaving instantly.

This odd warmth was seriously beginning to worry me and I (Rei) considered telling myself (Shinji) what was wrong in the hopes that I might know the answer. But I didn't get the chance as a blood-curling scream woke me from my awkward slumber.

"Noooooo!" yelled Asuka in horror making me jump badly. But I wasn't able to move much at all, as something was constricting me.

"I don't want to be here," she said much more softly and I realized that she was no more than an inch away from my face.

"We can go somewhere else then," I said nervously. "We don't have to stay on the beach." But she was asleep. Just talking in her sleep like she was crazy or something. I tried to move my arm to shake her awake from her nightmare, but once again realized that it was constricted.

"not with him…" she said just as softly.

I couldn't stop my self from asking her, "With who?"

"I can't… not with him. He'll… he'll ruin it. He doesn't know… how to…"

"How to what?" I asked painfully aware of how close our faces were.

"He can't… care for me." The sadness in her voice was making me feel horrible.

"Are you talking about me?" I asked, but never got her answer as her eyes shot open surprising me to no end.

I tried to get up then, because I felt guilty about being so close to her, and once again I found I was restricted. But this time I finally figured out by what. Asuka's arm was draped over my back and was pulling me desperately towards her, her legs were oddly intertwined with mine, and I could feel her chest up against mine as well. I realized that I was lying on my side facing her, even though I had fallen asleep on my stomach.

When all of this sunk in I let out a small squeak and once again tried to pull away only to find myself unable to. Asuka's hold was tight. I looked back into her eyes with obvious fear.

"Shut up, Shinji." It was a simple command that I could not help but disobey.

"What? Why? Huh?" I stammered. "I didn't do this! It's not my fault! You have to believe me!" I was too caught up in my defense to realize she wasn't mad.

"I said shut up." This time I complied. Asuka just looked me in they eye, making me feel extremely uncomfortable. I tried to break the stare, but found I could not. My only salvation was a blink and even that only earned me half a second of reprieve.

As I continued to stare into her eyes for what seemed like ages I grew more and more uncomfortable. Her arm was pinning mine at my side and I wouldn't be surprised if she was cutting off the circulation to my legs. Her chest felt so warm and wrong against me. They were a foreign entity that was violating my space and pushing against me harshly, just trying to get closer to me. But her face was the worse. Her eyes were boring into mine as if they were searching for something that I knew couldn't be there. I could she they were red from tears and bright with moisture that didn't seem natural in the moonlight. She was too close, much too close. I could feel her breath on my mouth. As I exhaled, she inhaled and as she inhaled, I exhaled. It was sick.

_She was breathing my air._

Every breath that I took tasted like Asuka. I thought I could taste the LCL soaked fish she had bitten earlier, mixed with something more distinct that I had only tasted once before when she had kissed me. The combination was disgusting. I tried to filter it out, by breathing through my nose, but even that backfired on me because I could _smell_ her. And it wasn't that pleasant smell that lovers always claim is sweet. Well at least not completely. I smelled all of her. I could smell the dirt she'd accumulated from picking up debris, and the LCL from when she walked out of the ocean, and the smoke from the fire, and something else buried beneath it all that was distinctly… human. It was this smell that bothered me the most because it cut through all the rest. It wasn't a bad smell, but it completely ruined the whole mixture. It was like mixing skunks with perfume. Horrible.

It got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to be away from her, if not just a little bit. I needed space! I needed freedom! I need breathing room!

So I violently tried to break away, but Asuka held onto me fast. She continued to stare me in the eyes and said, "No."

"Please let me go," I pleaded trying to move my head away from her, but her hold was so tight that I could look nowhere but straight ahead. So I closed my eyes.

"Look at me first," she demanded and I did, but she didn't let me go.

"Please… I'll do anything…" A drop of moisture ran down my cheek and I knew I was crying.

"Where would you go?"

"I don't know! Anywhere but here!"

"So you'd leave me?"

"No!" I cried even though I wasn't sure of that fact myself.

"Then where would you go?"

"I'd go for a walk! Restart the fire! Make some more fishing lines! Go into the city to find supplies! Asuka please just let me go, I can't breathe!"

"You wouldn't be able to talk if you couldn't breathe."

"Please Asuka… I can't be with you here like this… it's wrong. I'm wrong! You're wrong! This was wrong! I just want to leave this whole thing!"

"But where would you go Shinji, where would you go?"

"I'd just go… I'd just go for a…"

"For a swim," she said as she looked toward the sea of LCL. "You left them Shinji. You can't be a part of them anymore. You can't be one with them. Now you're here with me… and you're going to be one with me or you're going to die." Her eyes had a weird glint in them. "There's no other way."

"But it's not right!" I yelled in increasing fear at her words and the manic look in her eyes. "How are we going to build a society, Asuka? We're just kids! And think about our children! That's sick… just sick!" I yelled.

"Don't you think I know that?" she asked in what sounded like an almost hurt voice. She began to breathe rapidly, sucking in more of the precious gas that seemed to escape me at increasing rates.

"Then why? Why don't you leave me alone? Why don't you just let us die?" My throat involuntarily closed. "I can't breathe!" I yelled. I was starting to feel weak in her clutching embrace. But even in my weakened state I could see that now she was the one that was scared. I guess we both were.

"Because… because…"

"Why!"

"Because… I need someone… you're the only one that's left." That answer would not suffice.

"There were plenty of people in the ocean, so why'd you come back?" I asked. Her breathing only increased causing mine to become even more labored. She started to cry again, but her voice stayed even.

"Because I… because I…"

"You what!" I yelled painfully reminded of every romance movie I'd ever seen.

"I love you."

There was silence for a long time between us and she began to sob harshly, clutching me even closer, if that was possible. I couldn't even comfort her because she had my arms pinned. After about a half an hour she calmed down and looked at me again. Just stared at me waiting for a response. I wasn't going to give one.

"How do you feel about me Shinji?" she asked finally breaking the silence that engulfed the night. Her words vibrated between us making me even more aware of the limited space separating us. She seemed unaware though and continued to stare at me, waiting for the answer I was afraid to give.

But I reasoned with myself. This was Asuka I was dealing with. You give her what she wants and she leaves you alone. She wants something from you and you'll never find peace. I had to answer her or this would never end. I had to tell her something... anything that sounded like the truth.

"I… I hate you… more than anyone in the world." I had no idea where these words were coming from, but I knew that they were what was needed. There was no way they couldn't be.

She smiled at me sadly and I felt like I was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen.

"Shinji, you idiot… I'm the _only_ person in the world."

She kissed me hard for a very long time. It caused much more pain than pleasure. She finally broke away from me, completely freeing my arms and legs from her grasp and allowing me the freedom that I so desperately needed. I instantly rolled away from her and stood up, but somehow did not manage to break the hold that her eyes had over mine.

We stared at each other for a long time, yet she did not rise from her position on the ground. As I looked into her eyes I realized that nothing else mattered anymore. I was here and she was here. She was the world. Whether I loved her or hated her, was inconsequential. What mattered was that she was the only one there was to love or hate.

Even though I had no options, I made my decision then and there. I laid back down next to Asuka and wrapped her arms around me the best I could. I watched her face twist into that same sadistic smile I'd seen too many times in the past life, the life where my choices actually mattered. I watched as she hugged me close and whispered things to me that I thought I'd never hear from anyone, much less Asuka. They were such sweet words that they made me cry, gasping harshly for air.

I never breathed freely again.

**A/N:** Call it sad, call it funny, call it strange... just don't call it late to dinner. I'm not even really sure what to think of this one. I started off in one direction, thought "screw that", and instantly sifted into another direction. All I know is that it's safe to say that I have a cynical view of being the last two people on Earth. Tell me what you think, since I have little idea of what to think myself. Psychoanalyze me if you want.

Tell me if you think I should continue this. I don't really think I should, but I do have some ideas stored up that I could still use.

The dream scene with Rei really had no point. Just thought I'd say that for clarification.

Thanks for Reading.

Fresh C


	2. Battle of Wills

**A/N: **Back by popular demand (if 8 people can be called that) here's the much-anticipated second chapter. I think I did a better job of maintaining the same feel throughout the whole chapter than I did in the last one. This one flows a bit better, I think. Anyways, on with the show.

**Battle of Wills**

There is very little difference between an Asuka that admits she loves you and an Asuka that doesn't. She still called me an idiot. She still told me what to do. She still hit me when I didn't do what she told me to do the way she thought I should do it. In fact, the only true differences were that she insisted on sleeping together and she made out with me when she got bored.

The make out sessions didn't bother me as much as the sleeping arrangements. At least they only lasted for about a half an hour or less. Plus they didn't require much out of me, but to sit back and take it. A few times I even enjoyed them a little. But the fact remained that she was just too… hard? I think that's the best word I have to describe it. She came in fast, held my head with an iron clutch, and forced her lips upon mine with no relenting. The strange thing about it though was that I never saw it coming. We could be talking about something random or I could be working on something to "better humanity" and then I'm instantly being tackled by a blur of red hair with a European complexion. I never even get a chance to consent… or protest for that matter.

As you may have already guessed, sleeping together is something I had never planned on truly consenting to. Sure I allowed it that first night (to my great trepidation), but I expected it to be for just that night. Those were the unwritten rules I had set down. Asuka didn't follow them. She never follows the rules.

Our second night on the beach we had went to sleep much the same way we had on the first. She faced the fire; I faced the ocean, 1foot distance between us, no foul play. However, when I woke up later that night I was in the exact same position I had found myself in the night before: forcefully pulled into a full body embrace. The only improvement was that there was no loud screaming and incoherent babbling to accompany my return to consciousness. There was only the all-consuming presence of Asuka and an annoying tingling sensation that indicated I had to use the bathroom. I gently called her name to wake her up. That didn't work so I started rocking back and forth within the small loose space spared from her clutches. While this action probably made me look like a fool, there was really no one to see me and it got the job done. I had managed to wake the sleeping beast and instantly suffered its wrath.

"What'd you wake me for!" she yelled as she kneed me in the leg causing sharp pain at the area of contact. I tried to keep my outcry to a minimum and my explanation to a maximum.

"I just wanted you to let me go, so I could go to the bathroom," I managed to say through clenched teeth.

"Oh," she said quietly, almost apologetically. "Well you should have gone before we went to sleep."

"Well I didn't expect to have to wake you up in the first place," I said with what I thought was a bit of anger. At least it sounded like it to me. I'm not sure if she herd it the same way. "Why are you holding me like this again anyways? I said I hate you, didn't I? Are you so pathetic that you'll cling to a man that hates you?"

I knew I had gone too far, but I think it was for the better. In the moments that followed my small, but cold outburst we both learned one fact: I could hurt her. And not just superficial things like when I choked her, but I could really hurt her badly. It was etched all over her face. In that instant, I could read pain and disbelief all over her features.

Asuka instantly let me go and I could hear the sadness dripping from her voice when she spoke. She didn't even try to hide it.

"I was just cold… you didn't even think to get something for us to sleep under. You're a lousy provider, Shinji."

I didn't say anything in response, as nothing was really necessary for me to say. If I had apologized, it would have been shallow and she would have known it. If I had tried to hurt her more, I would have felt even worse than I did already. I really didn't want to cause her pain like that. I just wanted to pee without being hassled. But that was just too much to ask from Asuka. She couldn't just recognize the fact that I didn't want to sleep with her. She had to make up some stupid story about being cold.

When I came back from relieving myself, I saw that Asuka was already asleep again. I laid down next to her and soon realized that sleep wouldn't be coming for me. As I tossed and turned a bit, I found myself looking over in her direction. She was shivering. She was shivering because she was cold.

I felt like kicking myself.

* * *

After the urge to kick subsided, I decided to waste no more time waiting for a sleep that wouldn't come. I got up from my position and knelt down by the fire where I left a small message in the sand for Asuka.

"Gone for blankets, be back later"

It took me four hours to walk the distance from the beach to the nearest city (which was luckily not Tokyo-3). During these four hours I entertained myself by watching my shadow grow as the sun rose behind me and counting my footfalls until I forgot what number I was on. By the time I got there, it was well past sunrise and my feet were tired.

The city was empty and devoid of all human life. I could hear each step I made and every breath I took. It was kind of relaxing in a way, knowing that there was no one to watch me or hear me do anything. It was a freedom of the likes of which I had only dreamed about in the past. If I wanted I could strip nude and walk through the streets and no one could stop me. No one would even shout, "Hey look at that naked guy walking in the street!" These thoughts were purely liberating. I almost was tempted to act upon them, just because I could, but I remembered why I was here and what I had to do. I needed to get those blankets so I could go back to hating Asuka for good.

So I searched around for a while, breaking into various glass window establishments with no guilt what so ever. Would a dead man care if you broke his window and stole his blankets? I think not. It took me about an hour of perusing the local department stores until I found exactly what I was looking for. It was a huge red blanket with flowery embroidery that Asuka could wrap herself in three times over. It was expensive too, designed for a king sized waterbed at a king sized price. I decided that given the circumstances I could afford to take the loss in revenue. Nothing was too good for the girl I abhorred. And while I was there I figured, why not get something for myself? I deserved to sleep in comfort as well didn't I? So I picked up a noticeably smaller blue blanket that I thought would handle the job quite nicely. It was soft to the touch and it reminded me of the past for some reason or the other.

Just walking out of the store with these blankets in my arms was hard work. I couldn't see where I was going and the fabric was making me feel overheated under the intense rays of the sun. I stopped at the local grocery store and got a shopping cart to place them in. From then on out it was smooth sailing back to the beach. Sure it took me about an hour longer while pushing the cart, but I still managed to get back well before sunset.

Asuka met me with an array of emotions starting with relief, moving to anger, then on to thankfulness, and ending with (you guessed it) anger. She was relieved that I had come back to her. When she saw me in the distance she ran up to me, pushed the shopping cart to the ground, and embraced me in a desperate hug. She then kissed my forehead (which I found odd for the most part) and stood back smiling into my eyes. Then, of course, she slapped me leaving a dark red mark on my cheek.

"Where were you all that time? I thought you were gone! I thought you had left me here all by myself! You're so inconsiderate Shinji! I wish you hadn't come back, then you'd realize how good you've got it here with me!"

"But Asuka," I said wearily not willing to say something I'd later regret and feel compelled to make up for. "I left you a note over there by the fire." She followed my pointing finger to the ruins of my message that she had undoubtedly trampled on earlier in the day.

"I don't see any message you liar! If you made a mistake, why don't you just own up to it? Just admit that you went out to do perverted things behind my back that were _much_ more important than your responsibilities! That's what a real man would do!"

"I didn't do perverted things! I'm not like that!" Not like that anymore… at least that's what I convinced myself.

"Go ahead and believe whatever helps you sleep at night Shinji! Just don't expect me to buy your crap too."

At the mention of sleep I remembered the blankets that were now lying along the beach. I pointed to them and Asuka finally shut up for once in her life. Her mouth gaped open in shock. I just watched her expression as a "how do you like me now?" smile subconsciously formed on my lips.

"Shinji," she said holding up the red blanket and pulling it up to her chest. "It's beautiful. And it's so warm too…" she trailed off as the realization of what she was saying formed in her mind. She was complementing something I'd done and there was no way to get around it. She must have also recognized that she had falsely accused me of "naughty deeds", but she wasn't about to apologize for that. She just lowered her head a bit, avoided eye contact, and said "thanks" in an unusually soft voice.

"Your welcome," I said with more than a little pride.

My stomach audibly grumbled. Asuka punched me in the arm.

"You idiot!" she yelled loudly. "You went into the city and you didn't even get any food! There must have been a million canned goods in there and all you got were two stupid blankets! I knew you were dumb, but I didn't think you were _that_ dumb! Do I have to tell you to do everything?"

For one shining moment I had forgotten that everything I do is wrong. I don't know how I allowed this particular fact to slip my memory because it was the single most important principal that governed my relationship with the young vindictive girl. I guess I really am stupid.

That night Asuka went to sleep looking happy and content underneath her red blanket and I went to sleep feeling happy and content under my blue blanket. She slept facing the fire, I slept facing the ocean, 1 foot distance between us, no foul play. The best part about it was that we both had what we wanted. Asuka was warm and I had my space. We'd both played the game and we both came out winners. But I had forgotten one fact. Asuka doesn't play by the rules.

* * *

I woke up the next morning to find myself surrounded by a red cocoon and the ever-clasping arms of Asuka. Needless to say, I wasn't happy with this situation.

"What the heck, Asuka!"

"Why are you yelling at me?" she asked innocently, while releasing her embrace on me. That's when I knew she had to have done something.

"Why'd you pull me under here? And where's my blanket?" I demanded to know the truth.

Asuka just looked at me sternly and said, "You have no right to yell at me Third, since I just saved your life."

"What?"

"You rolled over in your sleep and your blanket caught on fire. If I hadn't pulled you out of it you would have burned to death."

"What?" I repeated.

"You better be grateful! If it wasn't for me you'd look like that thing over there about now!" She pointed to the remains of my blanket, which was still slowly burning in the fire. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. The blue fabric that had provided me with so much warmth and comfort was now going up in flames, along with my happiness and self-esteem. This was no accident. Accidents show mercy. This was sabotage.

"My… blanket," I said in sad disbelief.

"Well you're lucky I had pity on you," said Asuka in a sympathetic tone. "I saw how cold you looked without it so I decided you could sleep under mine with me. It's more than big enough for the two of us anyways." I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say that that last remark was going a step to far.

"Why?" I asked in disbelief.

"These things happen Shinji. You've got to learn to move on."

"How could you?"

"How could I what? Save your life? I couldn't just let you die, now could I? Why don't you come and lay back down here with me? It'll help you forget about the loss."

"I'd rather freeze to death."

"Suit yourself, Shinji, but you're not sleeping out there by yourself at night. I'm not going to let you die just because you lost some stupid blanket. You are the future of humanity, after all."

I really wanted to go for a swim.

* * *

Later that day, we ventured back into the city. We had to really. It was either that or eat the LCL soaked fish from the ocean. I suggested we take the shopping cart, as it had been a big help to me before, but Asuka said it was a stupid idea. She insisted that we could just get another shopping cart when we got up there and bring that one back. An image filled my mind of a beach littered with shopping carts that we'd taken from the grocery store, but never brought back. Still, I didn't protest.

The trip seemed to go relatively faster this time, as most trips do when you've already made them once before. Plus there was Asuka to factor into the equation. She seemed in a talkative mood and we spent the time just talking about the past. Nothing too serious, or too personal. We just talked about how school used to be, and what it was like just hanging out with our friends, and just city life in general. It was kind of nice in a way, but kind of sad also. All those things were behind us now and there really wasn't much we could do about it.

When we got to our destination Asuka stated the obvious.

"It's so empty," she said. I just shrugged.

After a short discussion about how I was too stupid to buy the right kinds of foods, I pointed her in the direction of the grocery store and went upon my merry way. I met her in the store twenty minutes later with another blue blanket in my arms. She stared at it for a while and said, "What'd you get that thing for?"

"I figured it would make nice fuel for the fire." Asuka looked guilty. My point was made.

When she finished up in the grocery store Asuka decided that we had to shop for clothes.

"After you took that thread out of my suit it started to fall apart! Just look at what you've done!" she showed me an open area on the suit that was located right at that tantalizing valley of a woman's anatomy. I hadn't noticed the rip before, but I surely noticed it then. I looked away quickly to maintain some gentlemanly composure.

"What's a matter Shinji? So ashamed at what you've done that you can't even look at it?"

I wisely didn't respond.

We finally found a clothing store that had just the type of clothes that Asuka was looking for and she went crazy. She seemingly picked up everything she saw that was even remotely in her size range. I could hear her mumbling to herself as she picked things up.

"This one looks nice… yeah, that could be useful… That'll be comfortable… I could tan while I'm wearing these…" and all sorts of other replies that silently irked me. The worst of them though occurred when she saw something she didn't like.

"Don't like this color… probably make me look fat… who'd buy this anyways?" These phrases bothered me the most because even after she would express her dislike for an article of clothing, she'd pick it up to try on anyways.

And try them on she did… all of them. The red dress, the wife beater and kakis, the orange blouse and yellow skirt, the yellow blouse and orange skirt, the tight jeans, the bellbottom jeans, the tight bellbottom jeans, the yellow sundress, the black dress, and all other sorts of clothes that a man shouldn't know exists. And nearly every time she tried on something new she'd ask my opinion of it. It got to the point where if we didn't get out of there soon, we wouldn't make it back to the beach by sunset. I told her as much and she started to complain.

"But Shinji I can't decide, between these dresses. I know we can't take them all, but I need to have a few of them so I can feel pretty every now and then. You want me to feel pretty don't you?"

I sighed in frustration. "Why don't you bring them out here and I'll tell you which one I like the best?"

She brought out a simple spaghetti strap red dress with no design on it and a strapless blue dress of the same simplicity. Of course, being Asuka, she had decided not to be wearing either of these dresses at the time.

"Asuka," I gasped, shamefully looking the other way. "Why aren't you wearing anything?"

"I wanted your honest opinion. If I were wearing one of them you'd probably like that one better. This way you can judge honestly." This explanation, while logical, didn't seem to appease my discomfort.

"But you're… you're… indecent."

"You're going to have to see it sometime, right? So just pick a dress."

Her words only seemed to make me feel worse really. Just another painful reminder of what we'd eventually have to do. I didn't feel like discussing it at the time so I just kept my head turned away and made a choice.

"T-the blue one."

"You're not even looking!"

"I saw it before…"

"Whatever, Shinji," she said sounding annoyed and disappointed. Then after a few seconds she said, "You're such a girl!"

It seemed odd to me that Asuka would be mad about me not looking at her while she was nude, but I figured she probably would have hit me anyways if I had looked at anything but the dresses. It was a lose, lose situation… and I lost.

Asuka walked back to the beach wearing the blue dress I had picked out. I think it really was the better of the two choices. I pushed the cart filled with the rest of her clothes, the food, and the fire kindling (my blanket). She walked in front of the cart not speaking to me at all and making what I thought was a deliberate effort to be seen. During the walk, I couldn't help but think about what she had said in the store. I was going to have to see it anyways. It bothered me greatly that it was an obligation and not a choice.

We got "home" and I threw my blanket on the fire pit, lit a match, and watched her burn. I made an effort to look as sad as I possibly could and Asuka undoubtedly took notice of this. Every now and then I'd see her looking over at me with this pitiful, "look what I did to him" expression and I knew that this was one battle that I'd actually won. But even though I won the battle, there was very little chance I'd win the war.

That night I slept in a sea of red, trapped mercilessly by Asuka's arms.

**A/N: **Not too much to say here. I think it speaks for itself. If I tell you too much then I'll be pushing my views of the story onto you. I think it's better that everyone has their own interpretations. Hope you enjoyed.

Fresh C


	3. The Power of Reading

**A/N: **By the title, I'm sure you all think I'm writing the literature equivalent of an after school special. Well I'm not, but it should still be quite educational… in an odd sort of way. Also, this chapter goes out to all of you smarty-pants who wonder why Shinji and Asuka don't go and live in the city. I've got your number and I plan on calling. Enjoy.

**The Power of Reading**

After those first few days Asuka still confused me a lot, but I'd given up all thoughts of running away. There were two reasons for this. The first one was that Asuka had lightened up on our sleeping arrangement. I still slept under her cover and she still felt the need to have an arm around me, but she didn't cling to me like she used to. She just let me lay there in relative discomfort. At least my arms weren't pinned at my side. Sometimes I would put them around her just for the added freedom that it offered. And sometimes when I knew she was asleep, I could disengage from the girl completely and just lay next to her for the rest of the night. The second reason I didn't want to run anymore was the fact that there was nowhere to run to. The beach was our home. I couldn't leave it.

We both know that it's stupid to live on the beach. The city has everything we could possibly want or need. From the city we get our food, from the city we get our clothes, from the city we get our water (bottled water), and from the city we get our entertainment. So the question is, why do Asuka and I live on the beach when everything important to our lives is in the city? The answer is simpler than you think.

We both hate the city with a passion. Sure when we first went there it seemed as if we couldn't live without it… and we can't. But the fact of the matter is the place is down right scary. There's no one around but us and there's tall buildings everywhere. Yet it feels as if we're being watched all the time. It's like our minds can't comprehend the fact that there's all these man made things around and no men to fill them up. It's not right.

But that's not the only reason we haven't moved, even if it's the most important one. We also don't stay in the city because we simply just like the beach. The sounds of the water at night are soothing and the feel of sand under your feet is ten times better than the plushest carpet. And although I'd never tell Asuka, there's also this closeness I feel to the rest of humanity when I sit by the sea. And if I put my feet in the water I can almost imagine the familiarity of all my friends and the people I met through instrumentality. Almost.

The other reason that we don't live in the city is that not living there saves us from boredom. Every time we take a trip there for supplies it takes practically the whole day. This allows us to get off of the beach every now and then and get a little exercise. It's almost like a vacation of sorts, except we hate the place we're going to. Boy do I hate that place.

But the things that we get from the beach are of the utmost importance. Sure we kept getting food and blankets (me burning them had quickly lost its effect on Asuka, but the fact remained that they made good kindling. On cold nights Asuka would often tell me to "put another blanket on the fire") but these necessities were only the tip of the iceberg. If Asuka hadn't gotten those pans for us to cook with we'd still be trying to hold the food over the fire with our bear hands as it roasted in its can. If I hadn't gotten that tent from the outdoorsman store we would have still been sleeping out in the harshness of nature. And if Asuka hadn't borrowed all those books from the library we would have killed each other. That's no joke either. I'm almost positive that those books had saved both of our lives. Without them one of us would have surely killed the other and then that person would be left to live alone or more likely commit suicide.

You see the thing was we had run out of safe conversation. You know, the type of chatter that really means nothing, but is used to pass the time. The only things left for us to really talk about were work and even worse… our feelings. Asuka had wisely chosen work. For about a week she had spent almost all of her time ordering me around, (yes more than usual). Every word that came from her mouth was a command or an explanation of a command. This got old very quickly and soon I stopped listening to her. She would spend about a half an hour explaining what I should do next only to find out that I hadn't paid any attention. This only served to get her mad and make her yell at me or hit me. And her actions over time made me want to take similar actions upon her, but I restrained. The only time she wasn't ordering me around, yelling at me, or hitting me, was when she was kissing me and by that time she was so angry with me that she had given up all resemblance of gentleness. She aimed to hurt me through her passions, a goal in which she easily succeeded. I don't think my lips will ever feel quite the same.

Now I'm not a genius when it comes to human relations, but I knew that something had to give. I was on the verge of snapping and she had more than likely already done it. Every night I went to sleep I half-expected to wake up dead. But through some miraculous turn of events Asuka found us some valuable entertainment that we both could enjoy. She granted us the gift of books!

When she showed me these treasures of man for the first time I didn't recognize them for what they truly were. They were our one and only salvation in a world filled with nothing but each other. I hope you don't think I'm exaggerating here because it's the absolute truth. I know it's hard to understand, but just try your best.

These books offered us hours of entertainment in the place of the time Asuka would have spent nagging me and the time I would have spent imagining her death. The wealth of stories and information provided to us was enough to keep us away from each other's throats for a lifetime. I've read so many books since that fateful day that I could be considered a scholar. Asuka even was able to get out her urges to order me around through these wonderful gifts.

She handed me a dictionary and an encyclopedia and said, "Shinji, read. You're going to be the father of humanity so you can't be so darn stupid anymore. You're going to learn some vocabulary and some history and anything else I tell you to, got it!"

I had it. And while I was hesitant at first, I soon found myself thirsting for the knowledge. In instrumentality, I had literally known everything there was to know, or at least I had access to it all. Most of that information faded when I arrived on the beach. It seemed as if the human mind simply wasn't capable of carrying all that information. But now I found that I sincerely wanted it back.

So our days went on as such. We read a lot. Asuka ordered me around a lot less. When we needed or wanted stuff, we'd go to the city. When Asuka got bored with reading, she still made harsh attacks on my lips, but these attacks came less frequently. Nobody wanted to kill anyone anymore. We were happy… kinda.

That almost happiness had to come to an end. A week after the discovery of the books I found myself reading the dictionary… yes reading the dictionary. Try it before you knock it. Anyways, I came across the word hate.

_**Hate** or **hatred** is an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for a person, thing, or phenomenon; a desire to avoid, restrict, remove, or destroy its object._

You can imagine the definition of this word meant a great deal to me because I hated Asuka. But there inlayed the problem. I didn't feel intense revulsion from Asuka… at least not anymore. I'd grown used to her closeness, even if I didn't exactly like it. I may have a feeling of distaste towards her, but not to the degree of enmity. She wasn't my enemy. And after I looked up antipathy (_A strong feeling of aversion or repugnance_… I had to look up repugnance too) I realized that I didn't feel that way towards her either. And while at times I wanted to avoid Asuka, I didn't wish her destroyed… well, not after the gift of books was bestowed upon us. All this information pointed to one painful fact: I did not hate Asuka.

You can guess how this realization made me feel. I'd clung to that knowledge as the very basis of our relationship. As long as I could hate her, I didn't really have to deal with her feelings. It wouldn't matter if she loved me more than everyone else that ever lived (as she had implied, but never really proved), or if she had really come back to life just to torment me. But now I couldn't even hate her. Worse yet, I felt an obligation to tell her. She had told me her feelings first after all. So two days after I made this discovery I told her. I spent those two days planning and working up the courage. This was the result.

"Asuka I don't hate you."

I know that this statement may have been a little too complex for the situation, but I could think of no way to further simplify it and still convey what I felt.

Asuka just looked at me and said, "Oh… really?" She didn't even smile or anything. It was kind of an odd moment

"Yeah."

"So how do you feel about me?"

"I don't know?" I asked because I wasn't even sure if I didn't know.

"Idiot," she muttered under he breath. "Do you think you might love me?"

"What?" Not hating her I could understand, but she went way over my head with the love thing.

"Do you love me?"

"Let me check…" I said as I went to consult the dictionary. Asuka looked at me questioningly when I came back with the book. I decided I'd clear up her confusion by reading out loud.

"It says: _A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicit_-" but I didn't get to finish as Asuka quickly slapped me upside my head.

"What kind of a fool looks to the dictionary to determine his feelings! That's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot seeing as I live with you!"

With no further words she stormed offalong the beach in an effort to get away from me and my stupidity. I still don't really see what was wrong with what I did. How can you tell if you feel something if you don't know what that feeling is? I decided that it would be best to read the rest of the definition.

_A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness_.

2. _A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance. _

Well, definition number one didn't help too much. How can you tell if you're in love if it is an ineffable (indeterminable) feeling? And even if I were to ignore that one word and consult the rest of the definition, it just did not apply to Asuka and I. There was nothing deep, tender, or affectionate going on between us, unless something was happening that I didn't know about. So based on the first definition there was no love on this beach.

The second definition was a little more straightforward, but when mixed with my feelings it became just as unclear as the first. Sure I thought Asuka was pretty… very pretty. But I wouldn't say I had an "intense desire" for the girl. Yeah, I spent a lot of time looking at her when I knew she wasn't looking at me, but that is quite literally because she's the most beautiful thing on this beach. Don't think that's a romantic sentiment, because it's not. She literally is the most beautiful thing on the beach. The only other things here are sand, water, and shopping carts, and who wants to stare at shopping carts all day? And if you really wanted to get into the mechanics of the whole desire thing, I think I feared her more than I desired her.

Well, that's not exactly correct. I feared what we could do together. Creating life, and having that life create life. Even if I were to ignore the incest factor there was the fact that life really isn't all that great to begin with. Sure it was ok back then, but I think I could have done without it if I really had to. I had little preference either way, so why would I bring children into such a life?

The jury was in, I did not love Asuka. In fact, when I reflected upon my findings, I sincerely doubted that Asuka loved me.

Well, she might have loved me… but only by definition number 2.

* * *

Let me clear something up for you. I didn't just read the dictionary and the encyclopedia all day long. I read lots of other things too. I dove headfirst into many works of literature that I'd heard of but never cared enough to read. It's quite interesting what the human mind can create seemingly out of nothing. These wonderful stories that are fabricated from everyday experiences and turned to something far more fantastic. I could spend my whole life reading books and never hear the same story twice. If things continued as they did I might just have had that opportunity. 

Asuka also was enchanted by these stories too, but her reading material soon began to scare me a bit. At first Asuka's tastes were purely scientific. She read books about technology, chemistry and a whole bunch of other things I couldn't begin to understand. It was a painful reminder of how much smarter she was than me, having already graduated from college. The first book she picked up was a manual on exactly how a power plant works. It'd didn't take a genius to figure out why she'd be reading that. But as time went on I found her reading books of a completely different science. There was one anatomy book in particular that sticks out in my mind. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget some of the images in that book.

When I asked her why she was reading such a book her first response was, "shut up". After a few moments went by she further explained by stating, "somebody's got to know this stuff. I won't be the one to deprive the future generations of knowledge!"

I didn't question her any farther on the subject, but I also refrained from reading over her shoulder from then on. Still, that didn't stop me from becoming concerned when I saw the cover of another book she was reading. I couldn't see the title, but the cover illustration was enough to thoroughly frighten me. It was a picture of a tall muscular man without a shirt on holding a lady wearing a dress. The dress seemed to be coming off of the lady's shoulders and both the man and woman were staring desperately into each other's eyes.

My mind was plagued with ponderings upon what the subject matter of the book was about, but I was much too afraid to ask Asuka. One night when Asuka was sleeping I snuck out of the covers and stole the book from the shopping cart she was keeping it in. I then began the tedious task of reading it by the moonlight.

I was shocked out of my mind. I didn't think Asuka would ever read anything about grown up relationships that was so… specific. Nothing left to the imagination. When they did it, how they did it, and for how long they did it. Everything is remarkably detailed in a way that I found shameless and sickening. I'm not going to lie to you though, I was more than intrigued. I couldn't stop reading the book until I realized that I couldn't stop reading it. Then with great effort I placed the book back in the spot it had been before and made sure the bookmark was in its proper place. It was bad enough knowing Asuka read such books, but it'd be worse knowing that she knew that I knew she read such books and that I had read parts of it too.

I slipped back into the covers quietly and looked over at Asuka mortified. As if by instinct her arm rapped around my shoulders. I kept looking at her and thinking of the things in that book. I didn't fall asleep until sunrise.

A week went by and Asuka and I neared the end of the book. We both read it under the assumption that the other one didn't know we were reading it. In my case, this assumption was probably true. In Asuka's case it couldn't be more wrong. The more I read the book, the more anxious I became. I couldn't get it out of my head. The things the people did in that book and the drama that went along with it. Rodriguez was cheating on his wife with Stephanie the bar maid and everyone knew it, including Rodriguez's wife. She in turn was having an affair with the stable aid, but nobody knew about that. At the end of the story the husband and wife realized their mistakes and got back together. But not before they went through a whole bunch of emotional anguish and dirty deeds.

The plot was horrible and the subject matter was less than proper. Yet somebody had taken the time to translate this smutty book from English to Japanese. And worse yet, Asuka and I had both taken the time to read it front to cover. And when I was done with it, I couldn't look at Asuka the same way. I forgot how I was even looking at her before.

Asuka likewise seemed to look at me funny. When she would read the book, she'd stare at it intensely soaking in each word. Every now and then she'd look up at me and then look down at the book quickly in a way that made me nervous. And sometimes when she thought I wasn't looking, she'd just stare at me with this thoughtful look on her face as if she was contemplating what to do next. This scared me more than the quick glances because it invoked a sense of paranoia. I was almost certain that she'd pounce on me at any second and act out a scene from the book or something equally frightening. But whatever it was she was thinking she would not act upon it. She didn't' dare to make a move… at least not until we had both finished the book. That's when the trouble started.

* * *

Asuka "made her move" the day after she had finished reading that awful story. I'll remember that day for as long as I live. But it wasn't as bad as you think. The only thing that really got to me was the noises. 

On that day we had just made a trip back from the city. We had gotten our usual supplies along with some other less essential needs. I had brought a crossword puzzle book and Asuka had gotten some perfume. At the time I had thought nothing of it. When we got back to the beach Asuka did something completely out of character. She asked me for permission.

"Shinji… do you mind if I try something?"

Of course I was afraid. How couldn't I be?

"Uh… like what?"

"Just something… different."

"Different like what?"

"Different like… different."

We were both silent for a while after that unsatisfactory answer. I was afraid to accept her offer and equally afraid to deny it. In my mind both roads seemed to lead to pain.

"Well… what do you say?" But she didn't seem to be waiting for my answer. She was moving closer to me. Taking up my space as she'd done countless times before.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, but I really wanted to ask, "What are you going to do to me".

"You'll see," she said and with no further words she moved in for the kill… I mean kiss.

Now you have to understand something before I continue.

We were both very bad kissers back then. So bad that we didn't know how bad we really were. If either one of us were to kiss anyone else we would have found out just how horrible we were. But there was no one else to kiss and therefore we continued to kiss badly.

But this time things were different. Asuka made them different. When our lips met she didn't just keep pushing her lips harder against mine she _moved_ then. She moved them up and down and around in circles. And it felt… wonderful. Soon I was moving my lips with hers and I finally understood why people always are trying to kiss each other in movies and why there was so much romance in that book. And we kept on kissing each other for a while and Asuka didn't even have the urge to hurt my lips. My stomach was churning in a strange way and I couldn't really describe what I was feeling. When we broke apart I didn't know what to say. I said it anyways.

"That… was different."

"Yeah… it was."

"Did you feel… things?" You already know I'm not the greatest conversationalist.

"Yeah… I did."

There was silence between us for a while and we both just sat there looking at each other and trying to pretend we weren't looking at each other. Asuka broke the silence.

"You want to do that again?"

The answer to this question was yes. There was a slight part of me that disagreed. That part said that doing that again wouldn't be a smart move. That part said that doing that again could lead to wanting to do other things. That part was sadly in the minority.

"Ok," I said trying not to sound scared or eager or unsure, all of which I actually felt.

And we did that again. It only felt better the second time. We seemed to find a rhythm of sorts and were even working together. All those lessons my teachers had given about team work were finally paying off. But then Asuka had to ruin it all. She couldn't be content with our new discovery. She had to take things a little further. It's like the old saying goes "give her an inch and she'll take a mile".

What Asuka did next might not seem like a crime under normal circumstances, but believe me it was wrong. You do it every time you talk and every time you take a bite of food. But when Asuka did it, it was nothing short of pure evil. Asuka opened her mouth.

And when Asuka opened her mouth mine involuntarily opened as well. I was shocked at the fact that she was opening hers so naturally I opened my mouth to question her about it. But when I opened my mouth Asuka took that as a sign of weakness and decided to penetrate the point of weakness with her tongue.

Things got a little strange after that. I froze… badly. I kept on thinking "Asuka's tongue is in my mouth" over and over again. Only the rate at which this thought went through my mind was astounding. And each time the message repeated itself it seemed as if the same message was trailing right behind it. It got to the point were the messages ceased to be "Asuka's tongue is in my mouth" and started to be "Asuka'stongueisinmymouthAsuka'stongueisinmymouthAsuka'stongueisinmymouth" instead.

In what couldn't have been more than a second or two after Asuka made her bold intrusion, her tongue had started to make itself feel more at home. It moved around freely and arranged things to its liking. It even disrespected the current occupant of my mouth (my tongue) by rubbing up against it rudely and exciting it to anger. Well the current occupant wasn't going to have any of that so it attempted to push the offending freeloader out of its domain, but to no avail. The more my tongue pushed against hers the more she seemed to enjoy her intrusion.

The single thought running through my mind changed ever-so-slightly at this realization.

Instead of "Asuka'stongueisinmymouth" it changed to "Asuka'stongueisinmymouthandthere'snothingIcandoaboutit".

So for several long moments I fearfully struggled in vein to get Asuka out of me. I struggled and I struggled and she just seemed to enjoy it more and more. And she showed me just how much she enjoyed it by making a simple noise.

"ooooohhh," she moaned quietly against my lips.

I lost it in that moment. I completely lost control. That sound went through my body like a volt of electricity. It brought back that horrible all consuming fear that I had not felt since the first time Asuka held me in her arms. I realized in that what we were doing had to end and it had to end quickly. Before I knew what I was doing Asuka was on the ground next to me staring at me with an incredibly hurt look in her eyes and I was staring down at her in shock of what I had done.

"You pushed me," she said in disbelief.

"I didn't mean to…"

"You pushed me," she repeated again in similar tones.

"It was an accident…"

"You pushed me," she repeated in a tone of annoyance and anger.

"I'm sorry…"

"You pushed me," she said sadly in a voice that hurt me to listen to.

I felt horrible, but I kept quiet.

Neither of us spoke a worduntil the next day.

**A/N:** Sorry it's been so long since my last update. My social life has been quite hectic… in other words I actually have a social life now. But seriously, I've barely seen my home recently. I hope you guys aren't too upset about it because I've come to respect the Evangelion fan community. I posted 2 chapters of this story and got more hits and reviews than 6 chapters of a story posted in the FLCL section (which I'm not knocking). You guys rock. Hope you enjoy the chapter. 

Fresh C


	4. I Never Knew

**A/N: **Yeah it's been a while. No excuses though. I'm just lazy for the most part. I was having a bit of trouble writing this story, but as usual if I sit in front of the monitor long enough it comes to me. This one's a bit darker than usual, so brace yourself for a bumpy ride. Enjoy!

**I Never Knew**

I never knew someone could be so cold.

She's so beautiful when she's sad, but when she's sad I'm sad.

She's even more beautiful when she's happy, but when she's happy somehow I'm still sad.

We're both sad now and it's all my fault. I can't make her happy. She can't even pretend anymore. When she looks at me she looks dead inside. She makes me want to cry.

She refused to sleep with me that night I pushed her. I even went over to her and tried to wrap my arm around her, but she quickly pushed me away. She threw one of the spare blue blankets at me and pointed to the other side of the tent, indicating that I should sleep there. I thought it would feel good being alone. I thought that's what I needed. But it was just cold. Even under my blanket it was so cold. I never knew sleeping alone could be so horrible, so absolutely horrible.

That night Asuka cried.

When morning came I woke up shivering. I had no blanket. Asuka was already outside eating breakfast by the fire. The fire she had started with my blanket.

"Why'd you burn my blanket?" I asked angrily.

"I needed to start the fire," she said with no emotion. Absolutely no emotion.

"But there were plenty of other blankets you could have used. Why'd you have to use mine?"

"Because."

"Because what?"

"Because it was _your_ blanket."

She was so cold that I shivered. I literally shivered. The worst part was that she took no enjoyment out of it. It wasn't anger she was displaying at all. It was nothing. I never knew nothing could be so frightening.

I tried to make breakfast for myself but Asuka was eating out of the pan.

"Can I use the pan?" I asked timidly

"No, I'm eating out of the pan," came her empty reply.

"You could put it on a plate."

"Yeah, I could."

"Would you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because then you'd use the pan."

So cold… so very very cold.

"Why don't you want me to use the pan?" I asked feeling like dirt.

"Do you really want to know?"

"uh… yeah," I said timidly.

"I don't think you do," she said and she forked some more food into her mouth.

I didn't have the strength to ask her again. Not then.

It really hurt to hold a can of beans over an open flame in the hopes that they'll cook. The fire was oh-so-hot and a few times it felt like something on my arm had started to burn. When the can heated up I nearly dropped the beans in the fire, but through some turn of luck they landed a few inches away. The beans were still cold when I was done. Only the can had really absorbed any heat. But I wasn't crazy enough to try to cook it again. I had to accept it as it was. Cool Beans.

It wasn't so bad though. Cold food was better than no food. I was half-way done with the meal before Asuka came up to me. She looked me in the eyes and I thought she was going to kiss me again. I prepared myself not to freak out this time, no matter what she did. But what she didn't do was kiss me. She looked at me, then looked down at my food, then looked back at me again. Then she made circular movements with her mouth that seemed kind of odd for the situation, followed by a snorting sound. Before I could stop her or even figure out what she was doing, she hocked a loogie into my beans.

"Why'd you spit in my food?" I yelled in outrage.

"Because it was _your_ food."

I put my head in my hands and cried patheticly, like a little kid who lost his mommy.

Asuka patted me on the back.

Her hands were cold.

* * *

I never knew life could be so lonely. 

I thought I didn't need her attention. I thought I didn't want it. But I was wrong… so wrong.

Asuka asked me one question after I finished crying, but she asked it several times.

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?" she asked.

"Why can't we both just sleep in the tent, there's plenty of room for both of us."

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"I want to sleep where you sleep."

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"Please don't make me leave." She sighed.

"Do you want to sleep outside or in the tent?"

"Why do I have to choose?"

"It's your tent. Do you want to sleep in it or would you rather sleep outside."

"I don't care, just pick what you want."

"Where do you want to sleep Shinji?"

"I said I don't care."

"It's your choice."

"I choose to let you choose."

"Just pick a frickin' place to sleep!" she yelled harshly showing the first signs of emotion I'd seen from her all day.

"I don't know what I want!"

"It's not rocket science."

"Well it's not easy either."

"Yes it is. You just pick what you like better. Either you want to be in the warm, comfortable tent or you want to be out in the cold. It's an easy choice."

"But they both have their strong points," I argued sensibly.

"What advantage is there to being outside?"

"Well there's the nice breeze to consider," I reasoned.

"It's freezing out here at night."

"And there's the wonderful feeling of the sand under you."

"Accompanied by rocks and debris."

"Plus the calming sounds of the water."

"Which you can hear inside the tent as well."

"Not to forget the endless amount of space."

Asuka seemed a bit ticked off at my last remark since she had no comeback. I had touched on a point that was irrefutable. But of course winning this little argument got me nowhere.

"Well if you love it so much out here then that's where you'll sleep," Asuka said coldly. Everything about her was just so cold.

"But I never said I wanted to sleep out here."

"What? So you want to sleep in the tent then?"

"I never said that either. I like them both."

I saw a dangerous look flash across Asuka's face. For a moment I thought she would hit me. But she calmed herself down quickly and when she spoke again it almost sounded as if she was pleading with me.

"Just sleep out here, ok."

"Alright," I said and Asuka went into the tent. She didn't come out for the rest of the day.

I went for a walk around the beach and thought about the past. The past was something I could always look back on to kill time. When I got back later in the evening, I grabbed a spare blanket from a shopping cart and laid down to go to sleep.

I love it outside.

The wind was blowing hard so I slept close to tent in order to shield myself from it. The waves of LCL were crashing lightly against the shore. The moon was out, but the sun had not yet completely fallen. The ground felt comfortable against me as I laid on my back gazing at the dark purple sky. As the minutes turned to hours I watched the appearance of each tiny star until there were just too many to count.

I had to wonder if there was anything so wonderful happening in that tent. What could possibly be worth giving up this for? But the thought only briefly crossed my mind. It ended quickly when I heard Asuka begin to cry again. I wanted her to stop. I didn't want to comfort her. She probably wouldn't have let me. But I just wanted to stop. I wanted to be near her again. Just to be near someone, anyone. And yeah, I know what you're thinking. She was right inside the tent. Probably no more than a foot from me in proximity. But even though she was so close I don't think she could have ever been further away.

I hate it outside.

* * *

I knew that Shinji was just a boy. Everything from his scrawny body to his round little face screamed it. But somehow, someway I had come to think he was something just a little bit more. 

I think it was his determination that did it. The boy could almost never make up his mind, but when he did he stuck to it. And even when it seemed impossible he wouldn't give in. He always came out alive. At first it didn't make any sense to me. How does he succeed when he doesn't even care? Was he really that talented? Was there something he knew that I didn't?

But soon I came to realize that that was just how Shinji was. He couldn't lose because if he lost he'd die and if he died then he would have lived for nothing. Nothing is what drove him. Nothing is what he feared. The shear possibility that there could be a world where he did not exist was puzzling to him. The chance that he could no longer exist in a world was frightening. Heck, it's scary to me too.

So he fought and he fought until he couldn't fight anymore. Because of him, now we're here. And all we can do is exist, but not together. After all the battles he's won and all the struggles he's been through he couldn't take one more. Just one little fight in the grand scheme of things that really could mean the world. All he has to do is try and he'll win. But he won't fight anymore. He makes it seem as if he can't. It just doesn't make since. Did you know he once saved my life?

I never thought he wouldn't fight for me.

"Why do you keep doing this?" he asked after I knocked his shopping cart over. I just shrugged.

He had just returned from supply run in the city. He was gone all day and he left without a word. I thought he wasn't coming back. I was not relieved to see him.

"Is this about the other day?" he asked. "I said I'm sorry ok. I'll do better. I'll let you do whatever you want in my mouth. I don't care. Just don't be mean to me anymore. Ok?"

"No," I said and walked away. He just didn't understand. It was more than that. It was nothing. He continued to do nothing. So can you blame me when I poured water on his head in the middle of the night? Can you? I thought not.

"Asuka why!" he yelled more than asked. I almost felt sorry for him, but I couldn't pity him anymore than I already pitied myself. I just stayed quiet and looked him in the eyes. His eyes were red from exhaustion. The way he looked at me I thought he would hit me.

"Just… stop… please. I don't want it to be like this, ok? Can't we just live nicely? I'm sorry ok. I'll do whatever you want. Just don't be like that. Ok? Please be nice to me… ok?"

"No," I said and walked away. I heard him trying to suppress a sob as I left. I'd really hurt him, almost as much as he'd hurt me. The knowledge didn't make me happy, but I faintly recognized that it should have. It was a start I guess. I knew I'd just have to hurt him more.

The next day he went to bathe in a lake that we'd found a few miles away. I followed him and stole his clothes when he wasn't looking. I nearly ran the whole way home, hoping he wouldn't notice and he didn't. When I got back I lit up a blanket and started the fire again. Then I just waited. Timing was the key. I knew he'd be back soon and I had to be ready. He walked back to our little beach camp wearing nothing but a towel and blushing all over. I stood by the fire with his clothes in my hand. As soon as he spotted me I dropped them into fire.

"Will you leave me alone Asuka!" he cried out in a high-pitched voice strained with annoyance. I don't know how I ever thought he could be a man. He sounded like a girl. A little girl who lost her doll. He made me sick, but I couldn't feel anything.

"What the heck do I have to do for you Asuka?" he asked after taking several deep breaths. His voice had returned to normal, but his face looked distressed. "I want to make this right! Can't things just go back to the way they were?"

"No," I said and began to walk away. That's when he grabbed my wrist and turned me around. And I was so shocked I almost yelled. But when I realized what was happening I couldn't believe it. He was finally going to do it. He was finally going to fight. But I was wrong.

"Please just tell me what you want," he pleaded as he clutched onto my hand like a child would his mother. He was so pathetic in that moment I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to look at him.

"No," I said and tried to pull away, but he held on desperately.

"At least tell me why. Tell me why you're doing it."

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yes! Please just tell me."

This time I believed him. I knew he wanted to know, but he was so weak and sad that it didn't even matter. He wasn't fighting. He was surrendering. I knew it would be more merciful to just not tell him the truth. But I took no prisoners.

"Fine Shinji. I'll tell you. I'm doing this because you're you Shinji." I paused and thought about exactly how to explain it. "You're weak Shinji. And your pathetic. You won't stop me so you can't stop me. That's why I'm going to keep on ruining your life. Because you ruined mine." I was barely aware of him releasing my hand.

"I didn't mean t-"

"Shut up Shinji," I said quite calmly. He had wanted to know so he needed to know the whole thing. "I didn't want anything Shinji. I didn't want anything but you. But you clearly don't want me, so I'm returning the favor."

"But I do wan-"

"Shut up. I tried to give you everything I had to offer and you rejected me every step of the way. So now I can't live peacefully with you. If you're going to hurt me, I have to hurt you."

"I'm not trying to hu-"

"Shut up. I don't like it though. I don't like doing this at all. I don't want to hurt you."

"Then why don't you just stop?" he begged more than asked.

"Because you hurt me Shinji and now I hate you."

His face looked so torn after I told him that. It was like staring at a completely different person. I heard him choke on a sob. Then another one. Soon he was outright weeping. He was hurt, so badly. Much worse than he'd ever hurt me. And I knew that the merciful thing would be to leave him alone so he could lick his wounds. But I couldn't do that… I just couldn't. I put my arm around him and tried to embrace him in a hug. He tried to turn away, but I wouldn't let him. I wrapped both arms around him and brought him so that his head rested on my shoulder. He cried even harder and I knew that he was hurting worse.

But for some reason I didn't understand, I wasn't happy. I had inflicted a pain upon him far worse than I'd have thought possible, yet still I wasn't satisfied. I wondered if any amount of suffering would be enough.

* * *

I never knew I could be hated so completely. 

There comes a point in your life when you just can't cry anymore. Asuka pushed me there because she had to. I understood that. I really did. At the time, I thought she was right. I had to deserve it. There was no reason she wouldn't hate me. I let her die once. I proved to her that I didn't need her. I proved to her that no one needed her.

I spit in her food, I poured water on her head, I knocked her down, I burned her clothes, and I did it with just as little feeling as she does to me. It's almost funny how these things come full circle. I thought that she was being unfair, really I did. But how many times had she cried herself to sleep and I didn't know about it. How many times had she cried herself to sleep while I knew about it? I deserved to pay. Of course I did. That's why I didn't run away.

I didn't catch her wrists when she slapped me. I didn't put up my hand to block her punches. I slept outside even when it rained. I walked to the city wearing nothing but a towel, just to get new clothes for the girl to burn. I allowed Asuka to punish me in every possible way her mind could conceive. My life was penance. Penance for what I'd done to her. Penance for the world I had created. Penance for every second I'd allowed anyone to suffer.

But I just couldn't cry anymore. It never stopped hurting, but I couldn't show it. I couldn't let Asuka see the pain she caused me anymore even though I felt it. She wanted to see it though and I really wanted to show it to her, but I just couldn't and that made me feel even worse. She still cried at night and that was my punishment too. I knew that I was really only hurting her more by not showing my hurt.

I started thinking, what good am I if I can't even show the pain I'm in. Asuka needed to see me hurt, but I just couldn't show her. What penance was that? I had one purpose left in life and I couldn't even fulfill that. I wasn't just pathetic and weak. I was worthless, absolutely worthless.

I started to think dark thoughts… well darker thoughts. I started to wonder if Asuka would be better without me. Did such a beautiful girl deserve to have to hate me so much? She didn't want to be mean and I was turning her into something she didn't deserve to be.

And I thought, what if I just… ended it all. What if I just kind of went away. She'd never have to know what happened. Maybe I'd just go off into some abandoned house in the city find a nice sharp knife and just… well you know the rest. But maybe that was too easy. I wouldn't be suffering enough. Maybe if I went off into some forest or something with no food or water and just stop existing. I could watch myself slowly waste away knowing that if I really wanted to I could end the pain. Just like I could have ended Asuka's pain. That way we'd be even. And maybe, just maybe she'd smile again.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a good idea. It really seemed like the only idea. I couldn't let Asuka hate me anymore. It was tearing her up. I couldn't be the cause of her suffering.

So I went to the city one day and got some paper, a pencil and a roll of scotch tape. I stayed there for a while and just thought about all I'd be missing when I died. It was a good thing to know that everything that I enjoyed about the world would be taken from me. It was just one more way that I could suffer. The sadness that such reflection caused brought joy to my heart and I knew without a doubt that I was doing the right thing. After a while I wrote a note. It was a note to Asuka. A simple note written in German so that I could be sure she could read it. The grammar was probably way off since I only used a Japanese-German dictionary as my translator, but I'm sure she'd be able to figure it out.

The note read as follows:

_I'm sorry I've hurt you. I didn't want to make you hate me, but I did. For that I understand that I can never be forgiven. I don't want to be forgiven anymore. I just want to make amends. I'm leaving you, so that I might die. I hope you can be happy. Where I'm going I'll never hurt you again._

_Shinji_

It was funny writing those words down. It somehow made it all seem so much more real. I wouldn't live anymore. I'd be nothing. I'd have nothing. But nothing is exactly what I deserved, so I'd take it. I kind of felt bad about my decision as well. I'd be dooming humanity once and for all. I neglected to leave a bun in the oven. Oh well, just one more sin for which to atone. That's how things had to be.

When I got back to the beach it was well past dark. The stars were shining brightly in the sky. The moon shone red. It was the perfect setting for a man to soon be dead.

I walked quietly up to Asuka's tent and taped my note on with a piece of scotch tape. I didn't need to be too quiet because Asuka was still crying that night. It was the only sound that could be heard over the crashing of the waves.

I turned to leave and couldn't stop myself from whispering, "goodbye Asuka" quietly into the wind. It felt like the right thing to do. I waited quietly for any response and was only met with crying.

The girl just kept crying. And I didn't understand it. Didn't she know that I was trying my hardest to hurt for her? She had to know that I was slowly dying for her. I mean I understood that she wasn't aware of my plan, but nothing seemed to satisfy her. Why couldn't she just rejoice in my sufferings? I didn't know what else I could do. Nothing made any sense.

Before I knew what I was doing I found myself marching back toward the tent. It couldn't end like this. _It could not_. I unzipped the tent entrance and walked inside to find her still crying on the floor.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" I yelled at her. She looked up at me and suddenly stopped crying. "You should be smiling. I'm in pain. I'm suffering. I'm getting what I deserve. This is what you wanted. Can't you see that I'm trying? This is the best I can do for you."

"I never wanted this," she said looking so empty inside that I wondered where the tears could come from.

"But you said-" I began, but I was cut off.

"Forget what I said. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of seeing you suffer."

"I'll leave then… ok? Will that make you happy?"

"No," she said bitterly and for some unexplained reason I really felt like hitting her. All my planning was for nothing. It seemed there was nothing I could ever do right for her.

"Then what do you want? I said I'll do anything. I mean it. I don't care how miserable it makes me. I'll do it."

"I just want you to… have what you want. What do you want Shinji? Really what do you want?"

I wonder if Asuka knew how wrong it was for her to turn the tables on me like that. I debated upon employing the ancient rule of "I asked you first" but thought better of it. This had to end… one way or the other. We couldn't go on like this.

"I don't know Asuka." That was all I could say and I wanted to shoot myself.

"Think Shinji. Just think. Do you want to live?"

"I think so… I don't want to die."

"Do you want to be here, on the beach?"

"It's good I guess, but there could be some place better."

"Do you want… do you want me?"

I didn't know what to say. I didn't have a clue.

"Well, do you?" she asked again. In that moment I saw something in her eyes. Buried beneath all the emptiness there was something else, but if you didn't pay attention it was easy to miss. In her eyes there was fear. Fear and a little of something else… maybe it was hope.

"I don't… not want you."

"Shinji come on! Just choose! Either you want me or you don't."

"Well you're beautiful and you can be very nice when you want to be, but I've done you wrong so it can't work can it?"

"I don't care if it can work or if it can't!" she was nearly yelling at me. "Just say yes or no!"

"I like it when I'm by you, but it scares me when I'm near you. I don't want to leave… but I don't want to get close."

"You can't have it both ways!" she yelled so loud that I nearly jumped.

"But that's what I want…"

My words were greeted with silence and neither of us knew what to say. Just when it seemed we were finally going to get somewhere it all stopped. Not a sound was made and neither of us moved. Time froze over.

I never knew one decision could be so hard.

I never knew…

**A/N:** You'll be surprised to find out that I wrote the majority of this chapter while I was in a relatively good mood. However, my good mood sort of went on suspension when I got to the end parts and did not return until I had successfully finished typing the story. It got kind of dark somewhere along the line, but I hope that it retained just a little bit of funny as well. At least in the beginning anyways. Don't blame me if you miss the humor though. I don't write this story. It writes itself. Thanks for reading.

Fresh C

**P.S.**- Let me know what your feelings are on me using Asuka's point of view. I hope the Angst wasn't too overpowering.


	5. Acceptance and Compromise

**A/N: **This one is quite long, so you might want to get some popcorn. Some of you will be happy to know that with this chapter I have brought back the funny. Oh yes there will be laughter. Well, maybe just some snickering. At least a smile or two. Also just a warning some of the material here is a little more mature than I usually put. I don't think I have to raise the rating, but if anyone thinks I should (and I do mean anyone) then I will do so without a moments hesitation. Without further delay. Here's Johnny!

**Acceptance and Compromise**

"You can't have it both ways," I yelled at him. It was probably the most emotional exclamation I'd ever made, but he just looked at me sadly.

"But that's what I want…"

And then there was silence.

It was the type of all consuming silence that fills up the air around you. I thought that if I were to listen hard enough, I could hear the beating of my heart, maybe even Shinji's as well. It was that quiet. We just stared at each other like it would change something. I really wanted him to say something else, but he kept his mouth shut. I figured that he had talked last so it was only proper for me to finish things up.

So I said the words that I really felt, the words that came deep from within my heart. My voice was still filled with the telltale quiver that proved I had recently been crying. I hated that, but what was I to do. I couldn't just stare at him all night. So I spoke those three little words that I had never said to him before.

"You really suck."

Shinji… he smiled when I said that. I don't think I'd seen him smile since I spit in his food for the first time and that had to have been at least a month ago. It was so strange to see him smile, yet so necessary as well. He couldn't have helped it, I'm sure. If he would have been able to stop himself from smiling I know he would have. I knew that because I felt the same thing. Despite myself I was smiling too.

Then he spoke again and only made things worse.

"I know," he said and I couldn't help what I did next.

I giggled. No I didn't laugh, but I giggled. It was almost an exact duplicate of one of those ditzy girlie giggles you hear preppy girls make in the movies. It was such a sick sounding thing that I tried to suppress it. Tried and failed. And would you believe what Shinji did when he heard me? He broke out laughing, full-out laughing. And when I heard him I couldn't even try to hold it in anymore. I was cracking up. We both were… maybe in more ways than one.

It was crazy. I was so sad just seconds ago and there I was laughing. I kept thinking about how messed up I was, how I wanted to die, and how things could never work out right, but all the while I couldn't stop laughing. I looked up from my position on the floor and saw Shinji holding his sides as his voice bellowed throughout our little tent. This only made me laugh harder. Soon Shinji sunk to the ground, fell on his back, and started to roll. He was literally rolling on the floor laughing. And there I was rolling right along with him.

I clutched at my sides painfully and my cheeks felt like they were going to explode. I laughed so hard I was in pain. Shinji didn't seem to be fairing much better. None of it made a lick of sense. None at all.

After what seemed like forever we both stopped laughing. There were several times before that when we thought we had stopped. We then looked over at each other and burst out laughing even harder. When we were finally finished there was silence again, only this time it didn't feel awkward. I used the time to reflect.

Right then I had absolutely no idea what was so funny, but when I looked back on it later I at least had a theory. It seemed as if both of our lives were horrible from the start. We experienced more tragedy and sorrow in 14 years than many people experience in a lifetime. We were an anomaly in the universe that was just too crazy not to laugh at. I'm positive that God must have been looking down at us and laughing his behind off. And on that night I think the two of us were in hysterics because we finally understood the cosmic joke.

So when the silence ended it was all still too fresh in my mind. I still couldn't stop smiling, even though I wasn't remotely happy. I turned to look at Shinji and saw that he was smiling too.

"Truce?" I asked quietly, hoping desperately that I would not start cracking up again.

"Truce," said Shinji with his smile still firmly in place.

I opened up my blanket and patted the spot next to me. Shinji scooted across the floor and wrapped the blanket around his shoulder. I put one arm around him and squeezed him tight in a half-hug of sorts. Then I just let the arm loosely encircle him. It was strange accepting him back after all that time. I was feeling a lot of emotions right then and happiness was not the prominent one.

But I just wish you knew… I wish I could explain to you…

I'm sorry. I don't mean to ramble.

It's just…

You can't even imagine…

How great it is…

to hold him.

* * *

It was kind of awkward being with Shinji after we had made our truce. We just didn't really understand how to act around each other anymore. I didn't want to hurt him and he just wanted to make me happy. He said as much anyways. It was slow going at first, but we worked ourselves into a nice little routine of sorts. 

On the first day, Shinji was all but too eager to please. I woke up and he had made me breakfast and brought it to me in bed. He laid down next to me as I ate and hesitantly put his arm around my shoulder. It was a nice feeling, but I could tell that it was forced affection and that sort of threw the whole thing off. When I was done eating we both got up and went outside. I hadn't realized how late it was until I saw that the sun was high in the sky.

We spent a lot of the day talking about all the work we had neglected since our little fight. None of my original goals had been met. We hadn't supplied power to any part of the city, there was no running water anywhere, and we were still eating a diet of canned foods and beef jerky. I started to explain some of the things we needed to do to Shinji. This time I could tell he was really trying to pay attention, but he just wasn't getting it.

"Don't worry about it," I told him. "When the time comes I'll tell you exactly what to do."

But there were other problems on the beach besides that of a technical nature. There were shopping carts everywhere. It seemed as if you couldn't take a step without running into one of them. I faintly remember telling Shinji something about getting rid of them a long time ago, but he insisted upon keeping them there. I think he said that it'd be a lot easier to keep grabbing new shopping carts than to take them back each time. He can be so lazy sometimes.

All in all, the day was quite productive, if not a little boring. When it got dark Shinji insisted upon taking a walk along the beach. I was very surprised when he grabbed my hand in his though. It just seemed so… not Shinji. But then his hand started to shake and I realized how uncomfortable he was. He must have felt weird about the whole thing. So I let go of his hand and told him that I wanted to be alone for a little while.

I walked by myself for a bit and thought about how strange everything was. Why was I living on a beach near a city I didn't know with a boy who couldn't stand my touch? Why did I want to be touched by him so much? Was it just because there was no one else around? But that didn't really make any sense because I was never this forward with anyone else in my previous life. I had never wanted to hold someone so badly or to kiss someone that deeply. Sure I'd dreamed about doing such things with Kaji, but there just wasn't that same… intensity. I never wanted something from someone so bad that I'd force it from them the way I had done to Shinji. Weren't such things below me? If not, what was below me? I really didn't know, but the thought scared me a lot.

Right after that I started thinking about how nice it was to be with him. How his skin felt so warm and how he smelled so… Shinji-like. His lips were always inviting, even if his brain didn't seem to enjoy the party. And his tongue… don't get me started. The brief amount of time that he'd allowed me entrance into his mouth was pure bliss. Just the mere thought made my stomach twist and my mouth go dry.

But then I realized what I was doing. I was using Shinji to distract myself from my problems. It was so easy to do. Having a bad day? Then kiss Shinji. Feeling down? Nothing a little make out session can't fix. Can't get that much needed sleep at night? Go embrace your man. He doesn't like it, you say? Well do it anyways. Who cares if he hurts as long as you don't?

The longer I thought along these lines the more I realized that I was a monster.

_I was a monster_.

I stopped walking. I stopped thinking. I almost started crying… almost. Then I pulled myself together and started thinking again.

That didn't make sense. I was not a monster. I was me, Asuka Langley Soryu, 14 year old former pilot of Evangelion Unit 02. I was a college graduate, much too smart to let myself become something I didn't want to be. And of course I did not want to be a monster.

So what was I? Besides not a monster, that is. Well, I was a girl. A very good looking one from what I could gather. That's why all the boys at school used to want me. All of them except for maybe Shinji, I guess. But that didn't explain what I was. It just explained what I looked like.

Monsters want to hurt people. I never wanted to hurt him. I just wanted to help me. Is it wrong to choose yourself over another? Really, I didn't know. But I still felt bad about it. I wanted to say that I would never hurt him again, but I knew I couldn't promise that. It was a fact. I was going to hurt him again. So I decided right then and there that if one of us had to be hurt, at least it wouldn't be him all the time. I knew it wasn't a perfect resolution, but it was definitely something.

It was the best I could do.

When I got back to camp I planned on explaining all this to him. I was going to apologize, to poor my heart out to the boy. But I never got the chance to, I never really needed to I guess.

I got distracted when I found this crumpled piece of paper taped to the tent.

"Shinji, what's this?" I asked.

He came out of the tent yawning and looking as if he'd just waken up.

"What's what?"

"This," I said as I held the piece of paper out in front of his nose. When he saw what it was he immediately started to freak. He made a lunge for it but I was too fast for him.

"Don't look at that! It's nothing… just something stupid I wrote!"

"Shut up, Shinji," I said quietly. His protests only further interested me in the piece of paper. I tilted it to the sun and begun to read aloud.

"_I'm hurt are you sorry? I didn't hate to make you want me, but I did. I don't understand for what I can forgiven be. I don't to forgive want to longer._ _I just want amends. I'm to dying you so that you may to live. I can be happy can you? I'll hurt you where I'm going again._

_Shinji_"

I looked at Shinji utterly confused, but he seemed to be trying to hold back a laugh.

"What is this crap Shinji?" I asked. "It's all gibberish!"

"It's nothing," he said as he took the paper from my hand and threw it in the fire. He was still trying not to laugh. "It's just some poetry I was trying to write in German."

I considered this and decided it made sense. Only Shinji would write something so terribly stupid and emotional at the same time. Sometimes I wondered if he really was a girl and I didn't know about it.

"Well it's not very good at all."

Shinji blushed and said, "It was my first time. I didn't really know what I was doing."

"I can see that. Well, next time you write something let me look at it. I took a class on poetry in college. I could probably help."

Shinji let out a sigh (an action I found quite odd for the moment) and said, "thank you for your kindness Asuka."

He said it so formally that I thought he was making fun of me for a second. But when I looked at him closely I could see he was sincere. He looked so sincere that it nearly hurt to return his gaze.

But still, I smiled back.

* * *

Life started to make some sense after that first day of our truce. Asuka… she was nice to me. She tried to make me comfortable and at ease. Sometimes she'd take over some of my duties, like cooking or building the fire. Other times she'd just help me along or come with me in order to give what she called "moral support". She also seemed to require less "physical attention". She didn't feel the need to kiss me that often anymore and when we went to sleep sometimes all she asked was that I stay close by, just so she'd know I was there. 

It was just too kind the things she was willing to do and give up for me. She had really tipped the scales of give-and-take in my favor. At first it made me happy to think of her generosity, but soon I began to feel a little guilty about it. I really wasn't doing anything special for her. I was just taking her kindness for granted.

So I said to myself, "Shinji, what can you do for Asuka?"

Then I answered myself, "I don't know really…" This response caused me to frown.

"Well come on! You've been living with her for… God knows how long. You've got to know something about her."

"Well we never really had that sort of relationship. We just kind of… existed around each other, ya know?"

"Don't give me that. You know she's a girl, right? What do teenage girls like?"

"Uh… chocolates and flowers… some of them like dolls, but Asuka hates dolls… uhhhh… annnnd… I don't know."

"They like teenage boys Shinji, teenage boys!"

"So what are you saying then? You want me to walk over to her and say, 'you can have me Asuka. I'm all yours.' That's a little weird don'tcha think?"

"What I want you to do is stop talking to yourself and go give that girl some much needed affection!"

After determining that I was not crazy for talking to myself, I decided that I'd do just that. I'd continue to give Asuka the affection she had demanded before. And it wasn't easy. Not by a long shot. I started off simple. I gave her little hugs and such whenever she did nice things for me. I recognized that this was the type of thing that I often saw girls who were "BFFs" do all the time and that embarrassed me a bit. But I thought of it as an equivalent exchange of sorts. If she could be nice, then I could be affectionate.

I soon came to realize that working up the nerve to touch Asuka had its advantages. It gave me this feeling of accomplishment. Even though I was nervous every time I did it I always felt proud of myself after the fact and sometimes during the exchange. I don't know what it was I was so proud of. Maybe it was because I was "allowed" to touch such a beautiful girl. It could have been because I was making Asuka happy. But I think I was more or less just glad to be facing my fears and overcoming them. Such growth does not happen everyday. At least not for Shinji Ikari. It was quite rewarding.

It felt like every time I touched Asuka our lives improved that much more. She was happy. Not just to be held or kissed. But she was happy that I was doing it of my own free will. The first time I kissed her she looked at me like I was some other person. She was just that shocked.

"Why'd you do that?" she asked.

I said, "Because it makes you happy."

She frowned for a second. Then she smiled again and it was a wonderful moment. I don't really know how to describe it really. I didn't want it to end. But when it did, I found myself fantasizing about it. It really was one of the best memories of my life.

Things were going well for us. Asuka was happy with me. I was happy with myself and also happy that she was happy. She was happy that I was happy as well. Everything was so darn happy. We could have gone on the rest of our lives like that. Just living for each other. Trying to be civil. Trying to be kind. Trying to be happy. It really could have lasted a lifetime. And if things stayed the same it would have too. Life would have always been like that. I think it was that realization that scared Asuka. It scared her into trying to get in my pants.

* * *

Personally, I blame the campfire for how things went. There is just something about sitting around a fire and talking that loosens your lips. It's just this feeling of ease and warmth that seems to reach all around you making it easy to tell your deepest secrets or your darkest fears. It didn't help that we were talking at night (the time for deep thought, reflection, and romance). Heck we were even holding hands and that was my doing. The point is that the setting was perfect for what was to come. 

"Instrumentality," said Asuka quietly making me jump about a foot into the air. It was the first time either of us had mentioned that dreadful event. "It changed me a lot Shinji."

I nodded. She was different. Still fundamentally the same, but different somehow.

"I used to think… that I hated you. That I hated everyone, especially myself. I thought that I had no reason to live without Eva. I had no family, I had no friends, (this comment hurt, but it was still quite true… except maybe Hikari) I didn't even have a hobby to fall back on. I wanted to die. But not just that. I wanted everyone to die. Because they let me become who I was."

She paused for a second and I really wished she hadn't because what she had just said seriously creeped me out. Even though I had had similar thoughts of death I had never taken it as far as to wish the fate on everyone.

"But I didn't die. Because I was afraid. I didn't know if death would be better or worse. I didn't know what death would be at all. And then, before anything had a chance to get better or worse, instrumentality started. I realized that Mama… Mama was there all along. I had someone there all along trying to protect me."

I understood completely.

"But then I was in there," she said pointing at the sea we'd both grown to love and despise at the same time. "In there everything was laid out for me. Every world, every possibility, all of it was just sitting there for me to explore. It was scary. Everything that I thought was fact could have just as easily been fiction. Do you understand what I mean? Nothing was for sure."

I nodded once again feeling the unease of that world return to me. It was true. In there nothing was concrete. Everything was possible. _Everything_.

"I saw lots of realities. I forgot a lot of them, but I do remember some. In one of them I killed you."

I shuddered. Why was she telling me that? I tried to let go of her hand but she held on tightly. I don't think she was doing it consciously. It was probably just a reflex.

"It was horrible. And it felt so real. I don't even remember why I did it. In another one we were married. We grew old and we started to hate each other. It was… sad. Pointless in a way. Don't get me wrong though… not all of these realities had you in them. It was just the ones that… the important ones. There was this one with Rei living with me and Misato and we actually got along, sort of. There was also this one with Kaji and… well you probably don't want to hear that one."

She was right. I definitely didn't want to hear that one. I didn't even want to know it was a possibility.

"I also remember a similar one with you. Let's just say you weren't too shy, Shinji."

My face was burning. I knew it was. I couldn't help it.

"There was this one… where we were best friends. And I liked you but I wouldn't tell you. Mama was there. So was Daddy. Your parents were there too and they were friends with my parents. We always spent so much time together. You complained constantly that there was nothing to do, but I was just happy to be there with you. And when you went off with your other friends and I went off with mine, I sort of missed you. I didn't die from the loss or anything, but I still missed you."

She looked over at me then and I smiled. I had to because it seemed like such a great reality. Almost like a dream. A true-life dream.

"We had all these weird things between us. We had a secret handshake, tons of inside jokes, and that look. You know that look that some people give each other right before they burst out laughing. It's such a strange, wonderful thing that you can only do with certain people. I loved it. I couldn't tell you any of this in that reality, but I loved it."

"It sounds nice," I said in what I now recognize as the wistful tone one always uses when speaking of realities that were never meant to be.

"It was. That one was my favorite. Later in life, when we were about 18 and going off to college, I kissed you. Right when we were about to leave for our separate schools. You looked so shocked, but I didn't even care. And you said (I'll always remember this) you said, 'what was that for'. And then I said, 'I want you to remember me… forever.' And I knew you would because that was your first kiss. It was mine as well. And then you hugged me for a long time and said, 'take care of yourself Asuka. I'll miss you.' It made me feel… so loved. I would have never thought it was possible. And then you left. And I was sad, but somehow I wasn't because I knew you'd be sad too."

Asuka wouldn't look at me anymore. I don't think she even recognized I was still there. She was caught up in another world, with another life, and another Shinji. She loved it there. She liked it a lot better than here, that's for sure. And who could blame her. That place sounded wonderful. That life sounded great. That Shinji… he must have been some great guy. But he wasn't me.

"Years went by and I met lots of interesting people. Hikari and I went to the same college so we always stayed close. I dated a few guys and many of them were really nice. But for some reason or another it just didn't work out. I never came home over vacation. There was always some internship or some ski trip or something that kept me away. And before I knew it I had graduated from college (it was the first time I'd done it in this reality). I finally came back home from school to see my parents and can you guess who else was there?"

Of course I could guess. This story… excuse me… this reality was beginning to sound more and more like I'd heard it before. It was almost like a movie. Or a novel. Or maybe even a fairy tale. Still I was greatly interested.

"You were there Shinji. Our parents had thrown a surprise graduation party for the both of us. It was the first time I'd seen you in four years. I was so excited I literally jumped into your arms. Later we snuck away from the party. We spent the rest of the day together, catching up and relearning everything about each other. All of our inside jokes were still funny, we still knew the handshake, and I was so glad that the look was still working. It was like we had never been apart. Then you kissed me that night. You said, 'I've been waiting to do that for four years.' I just laughed at you and pulled you into another kiss. One thing led to another and before I knew it we were both naked in your bed."

"What?" I asked shocked out of my mind. That Shinji was not me. Definitely not me.

"Grow up," said Asuka blandly then she continued. "It was both of our first times. I was surprised to find that you hadn't done it in college. I myself had had a few close calls, but I always felt too guilty to go through with it. But I didn't feel guilty at all that night. I can't recall exactly how it felt, but I know that it was the best night of my life… well in that reality anyways. Once again everything just felt so right. It was magical. Let's just call it what it was. It was a dream."

She smiled a smile that was both happy and sad. A bittersweet twist of the lips that caused my chest to burn inside. I looked down at the fire. In a little while it would be completely burnt out. I contemplated throwing on another blanket, but decided against it. I couldn't interrupt Asuka's story. Looking back on it I kind of wish I had. It seemed as if ever sentence following that moment sent a jolt of shock through my body.

"Shinji… we got married. We had kids. I was a mother and you were a father. Our kids were perfect Shinji. Just perfect. And we were the best of parents. We punished them when they did wrong and gave praise to them when they deserved it. I never thought I could have loved anyone more than you. But somehow those kids… they were my life Shinji. They were my life. I could tell they were yours too. But we still loved each other. We loved each other so much. Yet we loved them more. And I realized. Life doesn't have to be bad. I didn't have to kill myself… or anyone else for that matter. I could live and I could be happy. I could love others. I could love myself."

Asuka got so excited at this point in the story that I was hanging on to every word. She really meant all of this. She believed it so deeply. I wanted to believe it with her. For that moment I did.

"Then I found myself here. The reality was over and but the true reality didn't quite set in. I saw you Shinji and I… I still loved you. I thought you were him… the other one. I wanted to kiss you, to touch you, and to hold you, but you… you were trying to kill me. You strangled me, Shinji."

"I didn't mean to… I was confused… I-"

"It's ok. I understand now. It's just I didn't back then. Even after I understood that you weren't the same Shinji I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I kept thinking, 'Why is my husband of so many years so afraid to touch me? Why does he say he hates me? Why isn't Shinji… Shinji?"

I looked back to the fire. I couldn't look at Asuka. I just couldn't.

"But that reality began to fade from my mind as did the rest of them. I realized that you weren't that guy. You couldn't be. I hated you for that and I'm sorry."

"It's ok," I said even though we both knew it wasn't.

"And now we're here and things are ok. In fact, they're pretty good. I feel good, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do feel good," I said. And I smiled because it was true.

"But…"

I remember thinking, 'There's always a but! Why is there always a but?'

"There's still something missing. I want something more."

"Like what Asuka?" I said perhaps a bit too eagerly. "Just say the word and I'll do it."

"I miss… being needed. I miss caring for something and loving it to death."

"Uhhh…" was all I could say.

"I miss… my children."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"But I'm still sorry. If there's anything I can do for you, just say it, ok."

I was so stupid.

"Anything?"

"Just say the word."

So terribly stupid.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Really I was an idiot.

"Well if you're sure…"

"I am," I said further revealing my stupidity.

"Then I'd like you to…" she said, but stopped. She seemed hesitant to even suggest what it was.

"It's ok, you can say it."

"I'd like to…"

"Whatever it is I won't mind."

"Shinji, I want to have your baby."

* * *

After I came back to consciousness and started breathing again I attempted to engage Asuka in rational conversation. 

"Have my baby?" I asked in disbelief.

"If everything goes right it would only be two."

"Two of them!"

"Well, in theory it'd only be two. We'd just have to hope that one was a boy and the other a girl so that they could-"

"Please don't finish that sentence," I said. I then thought desperately of reasons for which I could decline. "Asuka we're just kids, we can't raise a child."

"_Children_," she corrected. "And we're not just kids. Look at us. We're living on our own and taking responsibility for our lives. That's what adults do."

"Well… isn't that kind of stuff for married people? I want to wait till I'm married Asuka."

She just sighed. "Shinji, we're the only two people on earth. There are no ministers in sight. I think we're as married as we're going to be."

Well that seemed to be the game, didn't it? Asuka 2, Shinji 0. A complete shutout.

"Just give me a little time to think about it, ok?" I asked in a desperate move.

"Ok," she said and we sat in blissful silence for a moment. I used this time to dream. I thought about this one reality of mine where my father had raised me in a beach house in Okinawa. It was a wonderful wooden house filled to the brim with comfort and love. I was just a little boy of 5 and Daddy (as I called him in that reality) was teaching me how to fly a kite. He said, "Shinji you can't fly this thing without a tail?" and I said, "why not?" and he said, " because it won't be able to-" But just at that point I was drawn from my happy distraction into the world of harsh reality.

"So what do you say?"

What could I say? I said I'd do anything. I assured her numerous times that I'd do it for her. Just say the word, I had said. But I had no idea that instead of doing something for her I'd be doing it with her. The thought alone made me cringe with fear. But I was trapped. I had to do it. I had to do it. I had to do her.

"Well?" she asked quietly and hopefully. I think she knew exactly how much she was asking of me.

"Ok," I said resigned to defeat. I had no choice. It wasn't fair. I started to feel bad for myself. There really wasn't anything else I could do. But then I thought, 'at least she's hot.' I wanted to hit myself.

Asuka became unbearable the moment that "ok" slipped from my mouth. She was happy at first, but I couldn't quite share in her joy.

"This is so great. I'll be a mother… again… for the first time. And you'll be a father Shinji! You'll be good at it too. Or else! Haha, just kidding… not really. Anyways this will be great. But we have a lot of work to do Shinji. A lot of work to do."

Two thoughts went through my mind at that point.

_Or else? A lot of work to do?_

Neither of these two concepts sounded all that great. I decided to vocalize my concerns on one of them.

"What kind of work?"

"Well we've got to get ready, of course."

"For what?"

"What else?"

"The children?"

"No, we have plenty of time to worry about that while I'm pregnant."

"Pregnant?" I asked in shock. I know it was stupid, but the thought of Asuka being pregnant had never crossed my mind.

"Yes, pregnant. How else do you think we're going to have a baby? Idiot."

It had been so long since Asuka had called me an idiot. I'm not sure if I missed it or not. I just recognized that it had been a long, long time.

"Oh," I said quietly. "So what are we getting ready for then?"

"For _sex_, of course!"

I'm not sure what I expected her to say, but that definitely was not it. Not in a million years.

"Wha-wha-what?" I said.

"Come on Third, even you're not that dense."

It had been so long since Asuka had called me Third. I'm not sure if I missed it or not. I just recognized that it had been a long, long time.

"We've got to prepare ourselves to have sex. Neither of us really knows what we're doing so we've got to learn how. I want our first time to be perfect."

"Perfect?" I seemed to be asking a lot of questions.

"Yes perfect."

"But how do you prepare for… for… that?"

"You just leave it to me Shinji. When the time comes I'll tell you exactly what to do."

And she did. Believe me she did. It was the most embarrassing week of my life.

She gave me a lesson on the female cycles. She was particularly happy that she'd be ovulating pretty soon so we wouldn't have to wait long to get started. I, of course, didn't want to know such functions existed in any creature of any sort. It was just plain… disgusting. Upon seeing the faces I was making Asuka promptly told me to suck it up.

"It's only going to be worse when the birth starts," she said once again bringing up a situation that I had not yet contemplated. I didn't even want to think about that one.

We had make-out lessons in which Asuka taught me various places on the female anatomy that were more sensitive than others. This might not have been such a horrible thing if the girl had not been shouting instructions throughout the whole experience. It's kind of hard to get lost in the moment (as she constantly instructed me to do) when someone is whining about you kissing the wrong spot on their neck.

She also gave me tons of reading material. I almost gasped when she gave me the one book I had already read. I decided that it would be in my best interests to read none of these books and to just pretend like I had.

The trusting sessions down by the lake were particularly embarrassing. Asuka's desire for us to develop a perfect rhythm was maddening. We stood across from each other practicing our motion by mirroring the actions of the other.

"You're thrusting off tempo!" she would yell at me constantly until I got it.

"It looked pretty close to me," I said.

"Pretty close doesn't cut it. I _want_ magic and I will _get_ magic if we have to stand here thrusting all night!"

She was so wound up about this particular part of my training that she even got mad at me for arriving earlier than her. I just wanted a little walk by myself up to the lake, but she had to blow it up into some big deal.

"You came too early!" she yelled at me in discuss.

"I didn't think it mattered."

"Of course it matters. We're supposed to be in unison. So you need to come when I come."

"I don't see what the problem is. We both came. That's what matters."

"That's besides the point. Next time we're coming together or we're not coming at all!"

"Fine," I said in defeat. I had no idea what she was getting so worked up about.

I'd say the worse lesson she gave me was the one dealing with positions. Some of the things she described and the pictures she showed me have scarred me for life. _Scarred me for life_. And when she asked me which one I'd like to try I think I nearly fainted. I ended up picking the most traditional one, as it was the only one that I was familiar with through movies and such.

But the worse experience of that week, by far, was "naked day". Asuka decided that we would both stay completely naked for one full day so that we could become comfortable around each other in the nude. I argued against it, but she said it was essential. Asuka was… beautiful, but she was naked. I didn't feel comfortable looking at her and just being near her caused things to heat up down below. Of course she took note of all this and continuously made fun of me. To this day she still mockingly calls me a "Stand-up-guy". I think that day was much more scarring than the positions lesson since it was scarring both physically and mentally. Do you know how painful it is to spill hot beans on your crotch? Do you!

I have to say that that was the most humiliating weak of my life.

* * *

Well, time heals all wounds (except hot beans to the crotch) and before I knew it Asuka's ovulation cycle had hit its peak. I don't know how she knew it, but the time had come. 

I was scared. Desperately scared. I knew what was going to happen and exactly what was expected of me, but I was scared. That day Asuka seemed to be a bit too calm. It was the type of calm you see before a battle or the sort of resolve a brave man has when he knows he'll die. It wasn't comforting to me in the least.

I was sent into the city for supplies while Asuka opted to stay back at the beach. She said she had a few things she needed to prepare and it would be best if I didn't come back before dark. I almost asked her what she could possibly be preparing that we hadn't already taken care of in the past week, but I thought better of it.

On the way to the city I was lost in thought. So many questions left unanswered. What was Asuka going to do while I was gone? What was going to happen after we did… well you know. And how were we going to react to the change. I'd heard somewhere that after people do that stuff they're completely different with each other. I had finally begun to enjoy my relationship with Asuka, but what if this changes things? What if I messed up? Would she end up hating me again? If it goes as perfectly as Asuka wants, will we enjoy it? Will I end up wanting to do it all the time? I don't want to lose control. I told myself I'd never do it again… especially after that instance in the hospital.

Such doubts and fears ruled my mind. I realized that after all the time spent preparing for that day, I still wasn't ready. But maybe I never would be. Maybe it was just something you had to just dive into and hope for the best. Like a cold swimming pool. But I decided that it didn't matter if I was ready or not. I'd told Asuka I'd do anything. Anything. Just say the word. So I had to do it no matter what. Whether I wanted to or not.

Once I had come to this conclusion the day became a little bit easier for me. I realized that no matter what I would be… I'd be… ah screw it, I'd be having sex with Asuka. This realization allowed me to relax for the time being. There was no weaseling out of this. If I were to do anything, it would have to be an effort towards making the experience better (or more magical as Asuka would say). So while I was in the city I picked up some flowers and chocolates. Those where the other things that girls liked after all. I had to grab fake flowers because all the real ones in the floral shop seemed to be dead or dying. Even though they weren't real I thought they looked nice enough. But you never know. With a girl like Asuka it's never just the thought that counts.

During the walk home I kept going over all I'd learned from the past week. I tried desperately to recall all of those special places that I should touch or do whatever to, but for some reason they wouldn't all come to mind. I knew I was missing one… oh well. I'd just hoped to God that I had the trusting rhythm right. She'd kill me if I didn't.

As I neared the beach I realized a few changes. There was a large pallet of blue blankets and pillows splayed about in the middle of the camp right next to fire pit. In a circle around this pallet there were about 12 white candles dimly burning. The fire blazed intensely almost as if it were especially for this occasion. And in the center sat Asuka wearing the strapless blue dress that I had picked out for her. The full-moon shone brightly from the sky mixed with the flickering light from the candles and the fire creating a visual splendor of her dress. It seemed to glimmer as she moved. The lighting was just as flattering to Asuka as it sent mysterious shadows flickering across her face. As I neared where she was sitting, she smiled up at me. The sight took my breath away. This is what she had been doing. Setting the mood. Making everything just right. I silently wondered how long it took her to do all of this. I wondered if she understood how beautiful she looked.

"Asuka… this is all very nice," I said sounding like an idiot, but I think she understood that I meant it. In fact I'm positive she did.

"Thank you," she said quietly and I found myself almost wishing she would have insulted me or told a joke at my expense. The feeling in the air… it was… something serious… something deep. It really was suffocating. I'd never been more aware of any person than I had been of Asuka at that moment.

"I got you some flowers and candy," I said in an effort to break the silence before it came.

"You didn't have to," she said so seriously that I almost thought I shouldn't have. But I knew that wasn't the case.

"I wanted to… for you."

She smiled and took my gifts in her hands. She then chucked them beyond the ring of candles.

"I don't want them getting in the way," she explained. "I'll be sure to try some of that candy later."

"Ok, I'm glad you like it."

There was a silence that was spent staring into each other's eyes. It was creepy, but somehow necessary. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. Yet at the same time I didn't want to look away… if that makes any sense. I knew nothing would happen if we just kept looking at each other.

I said, "Well, I guess we should um… uhh…" but I was silenced when Asuka put a finger to my lips.

"Let's not say anything else ok. Let's make this… special."

It started then. It was so strange to be swept up like that. It was just a little kiss at first. That turned into a big kiss. Our hands went around each other and then they went everywhere. I was touching parts of her that I never even thought to touch before. Who cares about the inside of one's elbow? I did that night. Her hands were all over me as well. The kisses kept coming and it felt good. It felt sweet. It felt right. Before I knew it we were both naked and Asuka was on the ground under me. Just waiting for what was to come. We were at the point of no return. It was either stop now or forever hold your peace. I hovered over her for a long time it seemed, but I was going to do what I had to. I knew I was going to do it and I thought Asuka knew that as well, but for some reason she broke our vow of silence.

"Shinji… do you really want to?"

I looked down into her face and thought, 'Now's a heck of a time to ask'. But decided I'd answer. I did want to, but at the same time I didn't. I couldn't tell her that though. I never would.

"Yes, I really want to."

"Liar."

There was silence for a few seconds and then Asuka spoke again.

"You don't have to, you know. I won't hate you or anything. I won't even be sad."

"I want to Asuka."

"No you don't."

Once again there was silence, but this time I was the one to break it.

"I don't care if I want to or not. I'm going to do it."

Asuka closed her eyes at that point and I was a bit confused. She then nodded her head two times as if coming to a mental decision. Then she looked back up at me.

"Ok, Shinji," she said. "Go ahead then."

I smiled at Asuka… it was my brave smile. The one I'd never used before. She smiled back.

I was going to do it. I was really going to do it.

_For Asuka_.

I slowly lowered myself. Ever so slowly. Our faces were getting closer as well as other parts of our anatomies. It was just an inch more I had to go (or at least that's what I mentally assumed) when I stopped. Actually it was more like I was stopped. What happened next… well that's the stuff history is made of.

"What the heck areyou kids doing!" someone yelled from the ocean shore.

I flinched so badly I think I hurt myself. I could see Asuka had flinched too. But the strange overpowering voice was not through with us yet.

"Shinji, get off of her! Get off her right now!"

I rolled off the girl so quickly you'd think she had the plague. Surely this couldn't be happening. I thought I was having a mental break down. Then I looked up and saw that face. That face with the purple hair. It couldn't be… but it was. She was drenched from head to toe in LCL, but sure enough it was Misato.

There was so much I had to do. So much I had to say. I wanted to hug her. To talk to her, to tell her I was sorry for everything. But I never got the chance. The most unlikely thing happened in that moment and for that reason alone I will never forget it.

Asuka got up off the beach floor. She got up and she ran to Misato as if her life depended on it. Then, naked as the day she was born, she embraced the older woman in the most desperate of hugs as she wept on her shoulder.

"Misato," she gasped harshly. "he almost… we almost…" and then she completely lost it. She sobbed so hard I thought she'd bust a blood vessel or something.

"Shhhhh… It's ok Asuka," Misato cooed gently in her ear. "I'm here now," she said as she stroked the young girl's hair.

I couldn't believe what was happening. Asuka had been so egger to go through with it, but there she was bawling her eyes out. I shouldn't have been so surprised though. After all, she was just a girl. And really I was just a boy.

Anyone could see we were both justlonely and confused children.

But we finally had our adult back.

_Fin_

**Epilogue **

Things seemed to speed up after I arrived on the beach. The kids, well they were just happy to see me. They were so happy to see me that they spent almost all of their time with me. The first day I was back I had a talk with them about how their lives had been before I arrived. It sounded pretty rough trying to survive alone, but it seemed as if they both handled it well. Still I felt that they were both holding back information. In the next few days that past it became clear that whatever it was they were holding back was vital.

I began to notice little things that seemed… just off. Like the way that Shinji would sometimes touch Asuka's shoulder to get her attention. He would just hold it there for a while, even after she had turned around. And then there was the way Asuka had started to cook for us both sometimes. In the past it had always seemed like Shinji was the one doing all the housework. The thing that really got me was the way they sometimes looked at each other when they thought that I wasn't looking at either of them. I could tell it wasn't a romantic type look, but it was a connection all the same. It was as if the two of them were experiencing something beyond what I could see. Almost as if they had constructed a personal world for just each other. It was eerie in a way.

I began to wonder just how long they had been here before I arrived. The way they talked made it seem like no more than a week or two, but the way they acted almost made it seem like a lifetime. When I asked them about it Shinji just shrugged. Asuka claimed she lost track of the time. She had more important things on her mind. I could understand that. Instrumentality can give a person a lot to think about. But I still felt they were lying to me. I suppose it was my fault for asking them both together.

Soon, the past that the two of them shared was the furthest thing from my mind. Within a week after I came back another man walked out of the sea. He was a middle-aged man of short stature with a bushy eyebrows and a thin mustache. It was night when he came. He woke me up by unzipping the tent.

My first instinct was to draw my gun and pull the trigger. I settled for half of that action. The man put up his hands to show he was unarmed and it was my turn to make a move.

"Who are you?"

"Takashi Mizuho," he said politely without a trace of fear.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm not really sure. I was going to stay in there but… I love playing the keyboard. I want to compose something that everyone will love. But in there… no one will really care."

"I'm Misato Katsuragi," I said never dropping the gun. I then pointed to Shinji and Asuka with my free hand. "These are my charges."

"Nice to meet you Ms. Katsuragi," he said oh-so-politely. "Do your charges always sleep together like that?"

I frowned. Asuka had her arm around Shinji's back and both their legs were intertwined. It seemed as if Shinji was laying half on his back and half on his side and Asuka was in a similar situation, but on her stomach. "I don't know… this is the first time I've seen them like that."

"It's kind of weird. Can't be too comfortable either."

"I think they've been alone for a really long time."

"Oh," he said sadly as if talking about some great tragedy. "You know you can stop pointing that gun at me."

I thought about it for a moment then said, "I suppose I can."

Takashi finally lowered his hands and I took a good look at him for the first time really. He was wearing a suit and tie and he definitely looked like a businessman.

"So what happens now?" asked Takashi.

"Well… for tonight you sleep outside. In the morning I'll introduce you to the children and we'll get you a tent set up by nightfall. There's plenty of tents, but the local stores are running out of blankets. The kids have been burning them."

"Ok," he said co-operatively, "but before I go lay out in the cold for the night, I've got to ask you a question. It's been bugging me ever since I got here."

"Shoot," I said.

"What's with all the shopping carts?"

More and more people came and flooded our little beach until there just wasn't room for everyone to stay. Luckily some of these people were technicians, doctors, and other women and men of learning. Unfortunately some of these people were also lawyers, but that's another story entirely. Before long the city was up and running, good as new.

Asuka and Shinji however refused to live in the city. They wanted to stay out on the beach. I managed to get a few people together and they built the three of us a modest beach house overlooking the shore. When people come out of the sea my bright shining face is usually the first thing they see. It's nice to live in a house again, but I kind of miss the outdoors to a small degree.

Now life is stable for us. Things are almost back to normal. Asuka and Shinji are attending school again and all is right in the world. Even Shinji's friend Kensuke has come back now and Shinji couldn't be happier. We're all worried about some of the people who are still out there, but more people seem to be coming each and every day. It seems that the will to live is strong in almost all of us. Even the most desperate of cases.

There's one thing that worries me though. It's Asuka and Shinji. Sure we've gone back to the normal routine of life (with a few changes here and there) but something still seems off about them. At night, when they think I'm asleep, Asuka often creeps into Shinji's room. What they do in there, I don't know. I'm afraid to find out. But they're always quiet and they seem to want to keep it a secret. I guess they just don't want me to know. I tried to reason with myself and look at things positively. Maybe they're just sleeping. After what they've been through is it so wrong for them not to want to sleep alone? But then I think back to the sight that greeted me when I first arrived on the beach. Just what did they think they were going to do? Did they honestly think they could restart the human race on their own? I want to confront them about it, but I can never work up the nerve. The truth is, I'm not sure if I even have the right to ask. Still I fear for them. I don't want them to get hurt. But I suppose I'm just worrying too much. Those two can handle themselves… yeah that's right. They'll be fine. As long as they have each other.

**A/N: **Don't hate me guys, but it's over. This is the last chapter. Really it is. Unless somebody can prove to me that this ending was horrible (and I mean literally prove, citing examples and everything) then it ends right here. I'm sure some of you are thinking, "What? Why?… How?" but I assure you my reasoning is sound. It's not because I've run out of ideas. In fact I had already thought of at least two solid possibilities in which I could continue this story . One includes an alternate ending and the other would a possible continuation of the current ending. The first one is not going to happen. It would consist of Asuka and Shinji having and raising a family in a desolate post impact world. The second one is likely not to occur as well. The reason for this is because this story has a theme and possibly a point or moral… even if I couldn't tell you exactly what that was. And I know that if I were to continue it past this point I wouldn't be able to have the same theme and moral, therefore I'd just be writing pointless crap. The continuation could happen, but it would be in the form of a sequel, yet the main point of the story would still be drastically changed… and I'd probably put it in third person if anyone cares. Anyways… the point is this story is over after this chapter. If you want a sequel then you better bug me like heck about it and even then you'll only get it if my interest in the story is high after I'm done. Hope you all enjoyed it though.

Fresh C

**P.S.** – I always wanted to end a story with _Fin_ and have an Epilogue. It's like a dream come true.

**P.P.S **- Ignore most of what is in the Author's Note above. There will be a sequel. I've already posted it. It's title is "The Eight Day". Sorry to get you all worked up like that, but it wasn't until recently that the inspiration hit. Check out the new story if you dare.


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